Coronado - Dennis Lehane [20]
Just to be sure, he turns his body to the right, sees nothing but rooftop and then a ledge and then the hospital complex spread beyond the roof in industrial patinas of sandstone and white brick and eggshell window squares.
So it was the knob.
He walks down two flights of stairs and sees another sign: CONCOURSE TO GAAR BUILDING. He likes the sound of that—concourse—so he goes through that door and finds the concourse. It’s more like a breezeway actually, and he crosses it and passes a doctor and two nurses and a guy in a johnny leading his IV-stand across the carpet as if it’s a slow relative, a pack of cigarettes and a lighter clenched in his other hand.
A few minutes later, he finds himself in a corridor with bluish gray carpet. From there, he can see the roof of the parking garage. The Sequoia sits beside his Honda, hulking. Men in ties stand outside of it. One leans into the Honda and cups his hands on either side of his face and peers in through the driver’s window.
Daniel watches, waiting for something to happen, and he begins to realize that the men are doing the same thing.
Half an hour later, a black Suburban pulls onto the roof and parks. Troy gets out of it. He crosses to the other men. There is talking, gesticulating, hands that point vaguely in the direction of the exit ramp, the door, the sky. In the pointing, Daniel can see their humanity, their frustrated ineffectuality, and it comforts him to realize that these are men who do, in fact, sleep in beds. Have children possibly, mothers who still harry them, dry-cleaning tickets in their wallets.
Daniel can’t be sure from this distance, but Troy seems angry. At the very least annoyed. He points at Daniel’s car in such a way that Daniel knows it’s no longer his. Not in any relevant sense.
They will wait by his car, he is pretty sure. By eluding them, even for a moment, he has broken the unspoken contract. They will watch his house. Tap his phones, if they haven’t already. Wait for him in bars.
The wings have stopped flapping in his chest. It feels hollow in there, a basin vulnerable to wind. He resists the urge to sink. To sit on the floor and cover his head with his hands.
He thinks about surrendering or apologizing. He thinks about going down there right now and saying, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
But sorry for what? He hasn’t done anything. He’s just a guy and one day they came looking for him. One day, his name blipped across a screen. One day, he popped up on a list. And that’s not his fault. Though he still feels like apologizing. It’s natural, he supposes, to not want to be the cause of any sort of ado, any kind of mass consternation. It’s a judgment, no matter how nebulous, of your entire life.
But even if he had something to apologize for, he can’t. It’s too late.
He watches them surrounding his car. They are angry. Pretty soon they will come looking for him. Carrying their anger. He has an image of them walking down the corridor toward him, serving trays held above their shoulders. Waiters. Professional. Indifferent to the cuisine.
HE WANDERS. HE does so, knowing he will be found. He wanders with terror and loneliness caressing the back of his neck and the conviction that he has exiled himself from the world he knew and all her touchstones. He follows signs that intrigue him on some elemental level and ends up outside the SICU. He looks at a few more signs in the corridor. CICU, ICU, NICU. He leans against a wall. Surgical Intensive Care Unit, he decides. An unfortunate acronym, given the location. CICU must be Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, ICU is obvious, but NICU leaves him at a loss. Neurological?
A nurse passes him. She’s wearing scrubs with a bright paisley flower print. She looks distracted as she sips from a Subway cup. Daniel can hear the sucking of the straw, down at the bottom, trapped among the ice cubes. She uses the heel of her hand to hit a silver button the size of