Cowboy Casanova - Lorelei James [130]
“But it wasn’t enough, was it?” Layla said softly. “I had nothing to do with you agreeing to be Bennett’s sub, outside the club for a month. So don’t pretend you were coerced.”
“I know that, Layla. I’m not denying it. I’ve learned…I’ve accepted that I prefer to be submissive when it comes to sex.”
“But?”
“But after seeing how I jeopardized my job with one misstep, regarding Ben, I knew it had to end. All of it.” Even when I didn’t want it to.
“Why? What you do in a private club isn’t anyone’s business but yours.”
“Wrong. What would happen if my coworkers or bosses found out I’m a sexual submissive? That I do whatever Bennett demands of me, without question? That I’m involved with a man who’s a sexual dominant at a sex club? And please don’t tell me it doesn’t matter because it does. Maybe not in all lines of work, but definitely in this one and definitely in this part of the country. And Bennett keeps the Dom side of himself hidden from his family and friends too, so it’s not just me who knows the risks of our preferences becoming common knowledge.”
Ainsley sank back in her chair.
“I get that, A, but don’t you see how much Bennett cares about you? He’s removing the big obstacle that prevents you two from being together.”
“I don’t want that burden from him.”
“Too bad, you’ve got it,” Layla snapped, “and now you have to deal with it. So tell me how you plan to?”
Stung, she retorted, “How long do you think before Bennett gets bored with me and misses the sexual variety that defined his time as a Dom at the Rawhide?”
“Bennett has always been very committed to the club. Making it a place where everyone who’s a member is comfortable because he struggled for years with accepting who he was as a Dom. So for him to walk away for good? I know he’s even more committed to making this work with you.”
That brought tears to her eyes again. “Damn him. I didn’t want this.”
“Didn’t want what?”
Didn’t want to fall for him.
“Ainsley, do you love him?”
Yes. “What if my feelings are from the sex that rocks my world? What if I’ve latched onto the convenience of being with Ben because he lives here? What if I’ve confused submission with love?”
“What if it is love and you’re making all these lame excuses because you don’t believe you can fall in love in a month?” Layla countered.
“That’s not it.”
“Then are you worried Bennett will expect you to become a lifestyle sub like me if you’re outside the club?”
She remembered exchanging harsh words about that very thing the last night they’d seen each other. “No. I know that’s not what he wants. But hearing that he’s leaving the club—”makes me hopeful that maybe we have a chance, “—makes me wonder if he feels pressured to do it.”
“Bennett is a force all his own. He doesn’t do a damn thing he doesn’t want to. He is willingly walking away from the club because he wants you, A, for the long haul. He found something more meaningful than he was getting with random hookups at the club. He found it with you.” She shook her finger at Ainsley. “But don’t for a second think he’ll become some pussified girly man because he’s no longer wielding a whip at the Rawhide. Bennett is a Dom through and through. That part of him won’t change. Ever. He’ll still want a sexual Dom/sub relationship with you, and not temporarily this time.”
“I don’t want that part of him to change.”
“Good.” A long sigh echoed. “I know you, Ainsley. Don’t talk yourself out of what could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you because you’re scared.”
“I am scared. Aren’t you the one who warned me not to fall for Bennett because he wasn’t a long-term guy? You told me I’d be an idiot for taking up with the first Dom I met.”
Layla leveled her with an uncompromising stare. “I was wrong. I can admit it. Can you?” She stood. “Don’t be an idiot. Accept him as he is. Accept yourself for what you are to him. Accept what you two can have together.”
Ainsley watched