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By Root 249 0

explicitly. The only thing that—that I can—there’s a part earlier where it talks about nine times out of ten the unexpected happens, which is—means that things essentially go fairly well, and there’s another part right next to that that talks about that—the example they use is getting thrown out of someone’s office, and if we’ve attempted to make the amend and they’ve, sort of, rejected us, then that’s—we’ve done the best that we can with that. It doesn’t speak specifically, that I’m aware of, and you, by all means, might be able to correct me. I don’t have it all memorized, that, you know, if I injured someone trying to make amends to them, you know, it’s almost like I would just be running in a circle.

WORRELL: Right, but whatever it is, you have to be able to stand ready to do whatever that person would like you to do.

DOWNING: I would say that that’s mostly true. If I—if I treated someone shabbily that I had dated, for example, not anything in a illegal sense, but if I just, you know, belittled them in public or something and I went back to do that and they said, well, it will be okay with me if you pay me five thousand dollars ($5,000), that—I’m using an outrageous example just to make a point. It’s not here’s, you know, an open check no matter what. What if they ask me to break the law? I don’t—it’s kind of hard to totally answer that question.

Downing stepped off the stand. Quagliana then asked another ten or so members of the gallery to stand, identify themselves, and tell the court how long they had known Mr. Beebe. All were members of his AA group. The judge decided not swear each one in and have more of the same testimony, but they stood to show their support. Next, Quagliana offered a sheaf of letters from Beebe’s AA friends in Las Vegas—more of the same. The judge accepted them, agreeing to review them at the recess along with my statement.

While this outpouring of fellowship was impressive, it hit me that all of these witnesses were from the AA community. Their stories were identical. Beebe had clearly made AA his life, but there was no one here who knew Beebe at the time he raped me, nor even in the decade after. No fraternity brothers. No family members. Quagliana seemed desperate to convince us that this Beebe was a whole new person, that the criminal of the past had disappeared. This reminded me, in a way, of what I’d heard from the university, so many years ago. The person who did this to you is gone; why won’t you give this up?

During the recess, Mike, Worrell, and I conferred in the back vestibule of the courtroom. Worrell had some devastating news. I would not be able to read my victim impact statement in open court. Mike was not allowed to make a statement on our behalf, either. I was gutted, gob-smacked. Victim impact was my one chance to say “I forgive you” or “You ruined my life” or simply “This was the fallout,” and to do so in court, in front of those attorneys, those character witnesses, my friends, the media, and, most important, Beebe. The core of sentencing is not only to hear the good things the defendant has done with his life, but to hear the impact the crime has had on the victim and his or her family. Hearing both sides is the heart and soul of the justice system. I could not understand why I was being silenced once again. All victims and secondary victims of crime are granted the right to read an impact statement in court at sentencing. Why was my situation any different? Worrell explained that because the case had become more complicated with the revelation of the multiple assailants, and because the investigation remained open, Quagliana would actually be allowed to cross-examine me or Mike on anything we said in our victim impact statements. It would have widened the scope of the proceedings and I would have effectively been put on trial myself. It is worth mentioning that not all jurisdictions would allow this cross-examination, but in the case of Commonwealth of Virginia v. Beebe, it would be allowed, as unorthodox as it seemed. Given the holes in my memory, this could be