Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [80]
“Well, why don’t you fill me in?”
So for the next hour I tried to give him an account of both my life and Jacob’s since we’d left our home. And to my surprise, he listened. But more than that, he almost seemed sorry.
“You probably think this is my fault, don’t you?” he finally said.
I shrugged. “I think we can all share some blame. I know I’ve been beating myself up quite a bit.”
“I never meant for things to end up like this, Glennis. Honestly, I didn’t.”
Was this it? Was Geoffrey finally going to come clean and apologize and agree to get counseling and put our lives back together again?
“I didn’t either,” I told him. Then I waited, but since he seemed to be stuck, I thought maybe I could help him out. “My therapist—she’s a friend of Sherry’s and really quite good—well, anyway, she does marriage counseling, too. And she’s been asking me to invite you to come with me, Geoffrey. And Sherry said she’s got a really great track record with helping couples…” But even as I said this, sounding like the pitiful little wife who was begging her husband to come back to her, I knew by the expression on Geoffrey’s face that it wasn’t going to happen. I think I even braced myself for his response.
“Okay, Glennis,” he said. “It’s time for me to be completely honest with you.” He took in a deep breath. “This isn’t easy, but I guess you already knew anyway. I can see there’s no point in denying it.” He leaned forward, losing his courtroom confidence. “You’re right. Judith and I have been having an affair. And I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, Glennis. I never meant for it to go this far. I never meant to hurt you like this. It’s just that it all took me by surprise. And before I knew what was happening, well, it was happening.”
“When?” was all I could say. “When did it begin?”
He seemed to be thinking about this. “Well, the actual, uh, the actual physical affair began this summer. But I think we started having an emotional affair sometime last spring.”
How many times in a lifetime can a person die, I wondered. In a day even? It seemed that every time I turned around, every time I made the slightest effort to regain my balance, I was dealt another deathblow. Oh, Geoffrey was right. I had known that it was going on—at least at some level. Maybe even last spring, although I’m sure I was in deep, deep denial.
“Why are you telling me this now?” I asked in a weak voice.
“Because I felt so bad when I heard about Matthew. I realized how fragile families are these days. I was thinking about Jacob and you and regretting some things.”
I wanted to ask if he was regretting Judith, but knew I couldn’t say it in a way that wouldn’t sound sarcastic or bitter or mean.
“So, what now?” I asked.
He held up his hands. “I don’t know.”
“Where do we go from here?” I repeated.
“I’m not sure…
“To be perfectly honest,” I said in an empty voice, just rambling now,“I’ve been so depressed lately that I’m afraid I’m losing my mind. It could happen, you know…” I waved my hand. “I mean look at this place. It’s plain to see that I’m not totally functional. Sherry was just here yesterday—” I choked now, suddenly reminded of her pain today. “She was… she was telling me to get my act together.” I leaned over now, clutching my sides, trying to hold it all in. “Sometimes I don’t know how I can handle all this pain, Geoffrey. Sometimes I think I’d just be better off dead.”
He got up from the couch now and came over to stand by me, putting his hand on my shoulder. “You can’t give up, Glennis. Hard things happen in life, but we have to keep going. Sherry has been strong for you when you needed her. I suspect it’s your turn to be strong for her now.”
“How?” I asked, looking up at him with blurry eyes. “How am I supposed to be strong when it feels like I’m dying inside?”
“I guess you have to ask God to help you.”
“You really believe that?” I said. “I mean do you honestly believe that for yourself, Geoffrey? Are you and God still on speaking terms…I mean after what you’ve done to…I mean with Judith?” Even her name tasted bitter on my tongue.