Crystal Lies - Melody Carlson [83]
Finally it seemed we were both cried out, at least for the moment, and we both just lay back on the bed saying nothing. I could hear the sound of a clock ticking and the occasional sound of a car’s tires on the wet street outside. But mostly we were covered in a blanket of silent grief.
“Thank you,” she finally whispered as she reached for a tissue.
I rolled over to look at her and nodded.
“Rod hasn’t even cried yet. At first he was just really, really angry. He wanted to go out and find the kids who took Matthew out last night. I think he wanted to kill them.”
“I can understand that.”
“Really?” She seemed shocked.
“Sometimes that’s how I feel about some of Jacob’s drug friends.”
“Oh.”
“Sherry…” I knew I had to confess. “When I heard the news on TV this morning, and they weren’t releasing the name, I felt absolutely certain it was Jacob.”
She nodded.
“And then when it wasn’t I was so incredibly relieved.” I was starting to choke up again. “But then…then when I heard it was Matthew—” I gasped now, unsure whether I could say this aloud or not. “Well, I just kept thinking about Matthew and what a sweet kid he was and how he’s never really done much of anything wrong in his whole life and—well, this is really hard to say—God forgive me, but I…I thought it should’ve been Jacob instead.” Now I just totally lost it. I was sobbing and crying hysterically. “I…I thought that Jacob’s the one who…who’s messed up so badly, and he…he probably should’ve been the…the one who—”
“Don’t even say it.” She put her hand up as if to stop me from speaking. “Don’t even think it, Glennis.”
“But it’s not fair, Sherry. It’s so wrong.”
She nodded, then lay back, staring at the ceiling. “I agree, losing my child—especially like that—it does seem totally wrong.”
“I just had to tell you that, Sherry. I’m sorry”
“No, I appreciate your honesty. You’re a good friend, Glennis.”
Then we just lay there in silence again. I couldn’t believe I had just confessed that about Jacob. It was a thought that had been haunting me all day, but I’d never dreamed I’d admit it. It seemed to prove that not only was I a terrible mom but a traitor to my son as well. Oh, certainly, it wasn’t that I wanted Jacob dead. God knew I would rather be dead myself. But it just seemed so ironic and random and, yes, unfair.
The next couple of days passed in a blur. I tried to make myself as helpful as possible at Sherry’s house. I answered the phone, organized the food that was coming in, got the guest room ready for Sherry’s parents, and even mopped the hardwood floors. Anything to stay busy.
Then, the night before the memorial service, Jacob came home. I’d spent so much time at the Lexingtons lately that I hadn’t caught up on my own housekeeping. Not that Jacob noticed. He smelled so bad and looked so bummed that I suspected he’d been sleeping in Dumpsters. Even so I hugged him, holding him close to me for a few seconds and thanking God that he was still alive.
“I heard about Matthew,” he said in a sober voice, dropping his filthy backpack by the front door as if he didn’t expect to be here long.
“The service is tomorrow.”
He nodded.
“Do you want to come?” I asked. “I don’t know.”
“Sarah came home. She’s with Dad.”
He nodded again, then went over to the kitchen window and looked out for a bit.
“Looking for someone?” I asked as I joined him. He quickly turned away “No.”
“Are you hungry, Jacob? I made a big lasagna for the Lexingtons, but I made an extra one that’s still in the fridge.”
“Sounds good.”
“Want to take off your coat?” I asked as he sat down on a barstool. “That’s okay.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I turned toward the refrigerator, unsure of what I should say to my prodigal son.