Death In The Family, A - James Agee [57]
“That’s all,” she said.
“All.” Hannah said.
“That’s all,” Andrew said. “The doctor said it was concussion of the brain. It was instantaneous.”
She was silent; he felt that she must be doubting it. Christ, he thought furiously, at least she could be spared that!
“He can’t have suffered, Mary, not even for a fraction of a second. Mary, I saw his face. There wasn’t a glimmer of pain in it. Only—a kind of surprise. Startled.”
Still she said nothing. I’ve got to make her sure of it, he thought. How in heaven’s name can I make it clearer? If necessary, I’ll get hold of the doctor and make him tell her hims ...
“He never knew he was dying,” she said. “Not a minute, not one moment, to know, ‘my life is ending.’ ”
Hannah put a quick hand to her shoulder; Andrew dropped to his knees before her; took her hands and said, most earnestly, “Mary, in God’s name be thankful if he didn’t! That’s a hideous thing for a man in the prime of life to have to know. He wasn’t a Christian, you know,” he blurted it fiercely. “He didn’t have to make his peace with God. He was a man, with a wife and two children, and I’d say that sparing him that horrible knowledge was the one thing we can thank God for!” And he added, in a desperate voice, “I’m so terribly sorry I said that, Mary!”
But Hannah, who had been gently saying, “He’s right, Mary, he’s right, be thankful for that,” now told him quietly, “It’s all right, Andrew”; and Mary, whose eyes fixed upon his, had shown increasing shock and terror, now said tenderly, “Don’t mind, dear. Don’t be sorry. I understand. You’re right.”
“That venomous thing I said about Christians,” Andrew said after a moment. “I can never forgive myself, Mary.”
“Don’t grieve over it, Andrew. Don’t. Please. Look at me, please.” He looked at her. “It’s true I was thinking as I was bound to as a Christian, but I was forgetting we’re human, and you set me right and I’m thankful. You’re right. Jay wasn’t—a religious man, in that sense, and to realize could have only been—as you said for him. Probably as much so, even if he were religious.” She looked at him quietly. “So just please know I’m not hurt or angry. I needed to realize what you told me and I thank God for it.”
There was a noise on the porch; Andrew got from his knees and kissed his sister on the forehead. “Don’t be sorry,” she said. He looked at her, tightened his lips, and hurried to the door.
“Papa,” he said, and stood aside to let him past. His mother fumbled for his arm, and gripped it hard. He put his hand gently across her shoulders and said, next her ear, “They’re back in the kitchen”; she followed her husband. “Come in, Walter.”
“Oh no. Thank you,” Walter Starr said. “These are family matters. But if there’s ...”
Andrew took him by the arm. “Come in a minute, anyway,” he said. “I know Mary’ll want to thank you.”
“Well now ...” Andrew led him in.
“Papa,” Mary said, and got up and kissed him. He turned with her towards her mother. “Mama?” she said in a pinched, almost crying voice, and they embraced. “There, there, there,” her mother said in a somewhat cracked voice, clapping her loudly on the back. “Mary, dear. There, there, there!”
She saw Walter Starr, looking as if he were sure he was unwelcome. “Why, Walter!” she whispered, and hurried to meet him. He put out his hand, looking frightened, and said, “Mrs. Follet, I just couldn’t ever ...”
She threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. “Bless you,” she whispered, crying softly.
“There now,” he said, blushing deeply and trying to embrace and to sustain her without touching her too closely. “There now,” he said again.
“I must stop this,” she said, drawing away from him and looking about wildly for something.
“Here,” said Andrew and her father and Walter Starr, each offering a handkerchief. She took her brother’s, blew her nose, dried her eyes, and sat down. “Sit down, Walter.”
“Oh thank you, no. I don’t think,” Walter said. “Only dropped in a moment; really must be off.”
“Why