Decoding Love - Andrew Trees [71]
If you look at how men and women consciously describe the art of seduction, you can quickly see just how oblivious many men are. In one study by biologist Timothy Perper, men and women were asked to write an essay describing how they would seduce someone. Women proved to be virtual Cleopatras in the art of seduction and had detailed strategies for how to seduce a man. They ranged from suggesting returning to “my place,” complimenting the man physically, offering to give a back rub, putting on soft music, subtly touching, and so on. Men, on the other hand, were maddeningly vague on the subject. One wrote, “I probably would just try to give the impression that if she wants to have sex, then it’s all right with me,” an answer that not only explicitly leaves the burden on the woman but doesn’t even state what he would do to give the impression that he wanted to have sex. Another wrote, “I would more than likely try in some way to seduce this person.” Talk about an answer that begs the question. As one wrote in what could serve as a description for most men, “Seduction is a vague concept for me.” Reading these answers, it seems possible that the species itself might cease to exist if women did not step into the breach—which they are far more willing to do than cultural myths suggest. According to Perper, more than 87 percent of the women said that they would be willing to initiate the encounter. And in my own interviews, most women admitted that they were often the ones to get things started.
However, when it comes to the actual sex, women are the ones who become vague in their answers, while men become much more explicit, discussing everything from sucking earlobes to caressing body parts. What this suggests is that men take control when the seduction turns physical, while women play the key role in the early stages. Perper calls it a “division of romantic effort.”
After doing the research for this chapter, I now realize that my own lack of awareness about signals bordered on imbecility. I still remember the first time I kissed a girl. Despite ample signaling from her, I stood on her doorway desperately making conversation in the vain hope that my next move would magically materialize. Luckily, she finally put us both out of our misery by asking me if I would like to kiss her. By putting it as a question, I suppose she was successfully skirting the prohibition against being too direct. That pretty much set the tone for most of the rest of my romantic career so that I now find myself wondering how I ever went out with anyone at all. My interviews with men showed that this was not an uncommon reaction. After I described some of the research for this chapter, many of the men wanted lessons in how to get better at deciphering nonverbal communication.
SHALL WE DANCE?
Although I’ve jokingly used the term mating dance, it is entirely appropriate. The barroom encounter between men and women is choreographed as closely as any ballroom dance. So, let us examine the pas de deux. A number of researchers—people like David Givens and Timothy Perper—have spent inordinate amounts of time in bars mapping all of this out so that we don’t have to. They have reduced the mating dance to a science—or, at least, a well-choreographed dance with precise steps that must occur for courtship success. According to Perper in his excellent book Sex Signals, there are five stages:
1. Approach;
2. Talk;
3. Turn—what Perper is referring to is how a couple will gradually turn so that their bodies are facing each other;
4. Touch—usually initiated by the woman, so, yes, ladies, you are still in charge;
5. Synchronize—this refers to our tendency to mirror each other’s physical movements when we are feeling a connection (recent studies have shown that this can take a number of forms beyond physical mirroring, including voice cadence and length of eye contact).
(Givens