Decoding Love - Andrew Trees [82]
Of course, any definitive answers to the chemical nature of love are still a distant hope, but scientists are making progress. As we have seen, researchers have been able to sniff out at least a few clues about the elusive nature of attraction between a man and a woman. If all else fails in your search for love, remember that you can always simply follow your nose.
A Second Brief Intermission to Focus—Finally—On the More Traditional Subject of a Book About Attraction: Practical Advice
THE REAL QUESTION IS, CAN SCIENCE PROVIDE PRACTICAL advice for all of us wayward daters? The surprising answer is yes. Some of that advice is common sense, and some of it is unexpected. Before I go into any of it, though, I want to issue a warning. I have read far more dating books than any human being should, and they have convinced me of one thing: be leery of anyone who confidently offers surefire dating tips. Most of these books are based on little more than a mishmash of anecdotes. I can promise that the information in this section is based on the same scientific studies and surveys as the rest of the book. That said, please treat what you are about to read as a casual buffet of dating tips from which you can pick and choose as you please.
I’ve broken this part into three sections:
1. For Him and Her;
2. For Him;
3. For Her.
FOR HIM AND HER
Learn to love yourself. I know that sounds incredibly unscientific and touchy-feely—I can almost hear strains of “Kumbaya” in the background—but a great deal of research backs it up. Simply put, the more you have a positive view of yourself, the more likely you are to fall in love. And the more likely the love will be healthful, rather than destructive.
Although we like to believe we aren’t shallow people who simply judge a book by its cover, research shows that first impressions are very important. According to a 1993 study, people viewing a videotape of a teacher were able, after viewing the tape for only thirty seconds, to do a very good job of predicting how a teacher would be evaluated by his or her students. And here’s the real kicker: the thirty seconds included only nonverbal interaction and physical attractiveness. If you are unsure how to make a good first impression, there are many books that have been written on the subject, although I have one suggestion: focus on the other person. A good first impression depends more on showing interest in someone than in showing off.
Selective desire is better than generalized desire—in other words, don’t hit on every eligible person you meet like some kind of Energizer bunny of flirting. In a recent study, people who were seen as having generalized desire were perceived as less desirable, while people who showed desire for just one person were viewed much more positively. Also, in a study of speed dating, researchers found that the choosier people were, the higher others rated their appeal.
Try to bump into the object of your desire as often as possible. Familiarity has a powerful effect on attractiveness. In one study, men and women were shown a number of photographs and were asked to select the photograph of a person they could imagine marrying. Afterward, some of the photographs were projected several times on a screen, and then the participants were asked to select a photograph again. In a number of cases, both men and women changed their initial selection and switched to one of the photographs that had been projected several times. The other benefit of this for the less attractive among us is that physical attractiveness becomes less important over time as what researchers call the “familiarity effect” takes hold.