Decoding Love - Andrew Trees [97]
Self-deception is a useful trick when it comes to any nagging doubts about the relationship. In a study on marital conviction, the researchers found that a strong sense of conviction in the marriage depended on having no significant doubts, and that avoiding those doubts involved self-deception. The more satisfied couples tend to be with each other, the more they tend to idealize one another, although you can’t simply lie to yourself. The study showed that there has to be an element of truth to the claim. That said, there are a variety of strategies couples use to inflate their views of each other. One is simply to convince yourself that the qualities your partner has are the qualities you always wanted. Another strategy is to downplay faults by tying them to virtues (my husband may work more than I want, but that is because he is a good provider). A key part of the equation turns out to be a healthy amount of self-esteem. Without it, the researchers found that people have more difficulty idealizing their partners and also underestimate how their partners feel about them, so your doubts about your relationship may in fact be doubts about yourself. Regardless, when it comes to marriage, the research suggests that rose-colored glasses are a necessary accessory.
And if you love your spouse but wish you could change one thing about them, I have some paradoxical advice: You should treat them as if they already embody the quality you wish they had. That may seem a strange way to get what you want, but studies show that people want to live up to the positive image that other people have of them, while complaining generally only results in defensiveness.
Beyond that, I’m afraid there are no simple answers. To misquote Tolstoy, I used to believe that all happy marriages were happy in the same way. But I was wrong. It turns out that there are many successful variations, and a relationship can never be reduced to a formula. Even if it could, no marriage remains static over a lifetime. If you hang in there long enough, though, you may even outlast some of the problems endemic to relationships. For example, as men age, studies show that they care less about sexual variety, and other studies have found that “old” love is even more satisfying than “young” love. If all of this is vague and unsatisfying, I can offer one quick and easy tip for staying together: have a boy. Studies show that having a son decreases the likelihood of divorce. Beyond that, all I can say is learn to fight fair.
I will end with one final study that I find strangely comforting. Married couples really do grow to look more alike over time, apparently because they tend to mirror each other’s facial expressions and, thus, make similar use of the underlying facial muscles. If we can share enough happy moments as a couple, that sounds like an appealing fate.
Epilogue
AFTER ALL MY RESEARCH, MY FAVORITE PIECE OF WISDOM comes not from science but from the last lines of Annie Hall. I’ll let Woody Allen tell his own joke:
After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.” And the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd,