Dirty Little Secrets - Kerry Cohen [70]
Missing from sex-education curricula is really anything that might help a teenager know what to do with her sexual feelings. Sure, she can identify the ovaries on the diagram, but she knows nothing about her desire, or a boy’s desire, or how to protect herself physically and emotionally during sexual acts.
One listen to Loveline, the late-night call-in radio show with Dr. Drew Pinsky, reveals the intense lack of sexual self-knowledge among teens. And most of it is attached to shame. By example, three times in two weeks various girls called in to find out whether there was something wrong with them because their vaginas got very wet when they were excited. Dr. Drew had to reassure all of them that each person has different amounts of secretion when sexually aroused. Go to any of the teen sex Q&A websites and you’ll see questions about whether anal sex can get you pregnant or about whether something is wrong when a girl orgasms just thinking about a sexual fantasy.
Included here are ideas for sex education that might truly help girls (and boys!) understand what sex is about, what is happening in their bodies, and how to make decisions about both.
TRUE SEX EDUCATION
1. Talk about Desire
How would you answer this question from your daughter: “How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?” The answer is, of course, individual to each girl, but very few mothers, educators, and therapists think to include some attention to a girl’s sexual desire as part of their answer. The bottom line about girls and healthy sexuality is that this must be part of how we talk to girls about sex. Usually, we hand down to them the same useless, often harmful myths. We tell them that sex will get in the way of their happiness and growth. We tell them they must be in love. We tell them that good sex happens only when you are in love. None of those aphorisms is true—not one. Sex and sexual feelings are essential to our happiness. Sex does not make sense only when you are in love. And sex with someone you aren’t in love with can be just as good as sex with someone you do love. Add desire—the acknowledgment that girls have sexual desire—into the answer, and everything can change. Everything becomes more—true.
For one, we can encourage girls to learn to trust their bodies and what their bodies tell them. We can also tell them that just because they want it sexually doesn’t mean it will be worth it or any good. We can tell them that sex with someone who wants you to enjoy yourself is a hundred times better than sex with someone who doesn’t care about your experience, and sex with someone you love and who cares about your experience might be even better.
2. Talk about Outercourse
Another assumption we make as a culture is that to fulfill sexual feelings, people must have intercourse. This is absolutely untrue. Sex therapists use the term outercourse to describe the numerous acts that create sensual and sexual pleasure but do not include penetration. Think hand jobs. Think second and third base. Think phone sex. For teens who are experiencing that hormone rush but aren’t ready to expose themselves to possible pregnancies and STDs, outercourse is perfect.
More than that, outercourse allows a teenager to explore and test intimacy, which is essential for building the self-confidence girls need to be both powerful and self-protected in the world of relationships. One sex therapist notes that communication is enhanced during outercourse. Because the sexual sensations can be less intense, there is more opportunity for closeness,