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By Root 683 0

had been after-curfew bull sessions in the novice barracks when he was training and he'd raided the odd brothel while on duty. But the theory had never talked about this, about the way the brain shuts down and the body takes over. The talk was all of big bazongas and the calibre of a man's torpedo, of positions and teases, not of the way your lover's skin seems to merge into your own until you cannot differentiate where you finish and they begin.

'Excuse me,' said a voice. 'When you've quite finished.'

Dep and Chris froze trembling.

'Don't mind us,' drawled a second, female, voice. 'We can wait.'

4

Policeman on the Corner

There's a policeman on the corner

Taking pictures of the scene

I thought I better warn you

That he doesn't share our dream

Preaching to the Converted

by Johnny Chess

From the LP Things to do on a Wet

Tuesday Night (1987)

'Hurry up, Roz, I'm dying in here.'

'Relax, Benny, I've almost got it.'

There was an unbearable feeling of constriction around her chest and then Roz finally managed to get the stays undone and the corset released its death grip.

'Better?' asked Roz.

Bernice took a deep, luxurious breath. 'How did I let him talk me into that?'

'Deep-seated subconscious masochism?'

'You can talk,' said Bernice, 'you're the one wearing the ventilated blankets.'

'Ah, but that's a cultural thing.'

'Help me with the gloves, I can't get them off.'

Roz gripped the forefinger and thumb, making it easy for Bernice to extricate her right arm.

Roz dropped the glove which sinewaved halfway to the floor before House scooped it up and hung it next to the (bouffant) wig. 'I wish it wouldn't do that,' said Roz. 'It gives me the creeps.'

'Convenient though,' said Bernice, extending her left arm.

'I like my stuff where I can find it,' said Roz and pulled the glove off.

'On the floor,' said Bernice.

'Speak for yourself.'

It was true; Roz's room in the TARDIS displayed a compulsive neatness that reminded Bernice uneasily of Ace's barrack-room mentality. The same air of regimentation, of temporary occupation. It was Bernice that lived ankle-deep in the detritus of past adventures. She suspected that she needed the mess as a kind of marker, as if she were saying: this is my space; see, I'm spread all over it. If she ever decided to leave the TARDIS she'd need a skip not a suitcase.

Bernice started struggling with her petticoats.

'Jeez,' said Roz, 'stay still.' She crouched down behind Bernice and pulled at the hooks that held the silk together. 'I've seen combat suits that were easier to get out of.'

'I've been in combat suits that were easier to wear,' said Bernice. 'You know, that's what saRa!qava thought this dress was.'

'Why didn't you get House to put in some zippers?' asked Roz.

'Authenticity,' said Bernice, sucking in her stomach. 'Remember, we were going to go as the real thing.' There were six layers of petticoats. 'I feel like a birthday present.'

'I'm almost down to your legs now,' said Roz. 'Hey, so much for authenticity.' She'd seen the Reeboks Bernice was wearing on her feet.

'Well, no one was going to see them.'

'About as authentic as a middle-aged Xhosa virgin,' muttered Roz.

'I was thinking of going as Boudicca,' said Bernice. 'Me and Chris could have been a pair.'

'So who's Buhdika when she's at home?'

'A very famous British warrior queen.'

'I thought that was Queen Elizabeth,' said Roz. ' "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach –" '

' "– of a concrete elephant",' finished Bernice. 'I should never have shown you Ace's tape collection.' She stepped out of the restricting silk flounces. 'Free at last. Come on, I'll give you a hand with your necklaces.'

'Shouldn't we get downstairs?'

'What's the rush?' asked Bernice. 'They waited for us to get back from the party, they can wait for us to get changed.'

'I don't think they came here for a social visit,' said Roz.

'You think they're official?'

'As official as anything can get in this place,' said Roz. 'That woman has cop eyes.'

'She should use ointment for that.' Bernice