Doctor Who_ The City of the Dead - Lloyd Rose [86]
So, I'm curious. What are you going to do now? You can hardly go back to your everyday life, can you? Not when at any second you're going to come face to face with some new horror And there is, take it from me, an infinite variety of them. Things that make that silly drawing above your silly altar look like a little girl's doll.
I'm afraid it's an institution for you. I really can't see any way around that, can you? You don't have any money, so it will be a state home. They'll fill you with pills and let you do supervised macrame.And maybe, if the pills are strong enough, you won't see anything, or at least won't be bothered by anything you do see. You can sit in the TV room with the other tranquillised zombies all day long, and the square of light coming through the one window will shift across the floor so slowly that it will seem to take, oh, so much longer than a single day to cross from wall to wall.
You have an ugly little soul, Teddy, if you don't mind my saying so. Uglier than any demons you're going to see. Even uglier than I am, I imagine. No, thank you, don't tell me what I look like. I don't want to know. No mirror, natural or unnatural, can show me truly to myself, my own reflection would blind me. Thank God. So even though you can't keep your eyes shut, at least keep your mouth shut. It would be wiser.
Teddy became aware of Swan's warm hip pressed to his. He stared at the magician in panic.
Finally thought about your wife, have you? You're not exactly the protective type. Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt her. Why would I? I'm not even going to hurt you. I'm going to help you. Yes. You don't have to be afraid of me. Why are you afraid of me, anyway? Because you think I'm going to kill you. That's what it comes down to. You think I'll leave you dead. But why does that frighten you? Tell me, that wife you've just remembered - is she really who you want to lie beside? Be honest, now - is she? Haven't you been unfaithful in your heart, what there is of it, for years? Or turn it around: by taking a wife, didn't you betray your true love?
People argue about determinism and free will. Personally, I think people are set by life on the way to do one thing, and that's what they do. That's all they do. You could say they're meant to do it if you wanted. Sometimes it takes them a long time to discover what that thing is, and once they know, sometimes it takes them a long time actually to do it. But in the end they do, because, in the end, they realise they could never do anything else. All the rest was waste and false steps and foolishness, hollow as a dried-out gourd. Break it open, nothing inside. A shell around emptiness. Anything is better than that emptiness. Anything. So in the end people do what they were always on the path to doing anyway. Are you following me, Teddy? It all comes down to a simple question: what do you really want?
What have you always really wanted?
Look back at your life. What have you done? Every act is an act of worship.
A man who goes to church regularly while he spends all his life amassing money is really worshipping Hades. A man who thinks he's a Christian who devotes every waking second to sensuality is really worshipping Aphrodite.
Where do you put your energy, your imagination, your dreams, your time?
That's what you worship. That's where you want to be. In fact, since that's where you put all your energy and time, that's where you already are. And eventually, you have to recognise that, and live with it. Or not.
The magician reached out and gently took Teddy's hand.
Let's go downstairs. Don't worry about your wife. We won't wake her.
They went down the stairs. Teddy's senses were unnaturally alive. He felt the bare wood smooth beneath