Doctor Who_ The Romans - Donald Cotton [8]
I was still considering the implications of this, when Didius seized Barbara by the arm, and giggling suggestively, opined that she was certainly going to fetch a good price at the slave-sales in Rome: from which I deduced, correctly as it transpires, that these men were, in fact, slave traders, and not heating engineers at all, as they had deceptively claimed!
I acted on the instant, and leaped – from a sitting position, I ask you to note! – at Sevcheria’s knees, in the sort of tackle with which I once brought down the Old Boys’ wing three-quarter at a critical moment in the game (you will, no doubt, recall the occasion), but unfortunately at the same time Barbara aimed a blow at Didius’ head with an empty wine-jar, which coincided with my own athletic trajectory, and knocked me cold, thereby frustrating my initiative!
I knew no more until I regained my senses chained to a bench in what I can only assume to be a war-galley of Nero’s battle-fleet, a coarse voice enquiring if I felt better now, because if so perhaps I would care to join my fellow oarsmen in a little healthy exercise?
It is now, thank God, the coffee break; and I take this first opportunity of informing you, Headmaster, of the reason for my continued absence.
With my best wishes as always,
Ian Chesterton.
DOCUMENT VI
Second Letter from Legionary (Second Class) Ascaris
Well, here I am again, Mater,
So please forgive writing, grammar, and punctuation as always. I said in my last that I would let you know at my soonest how things turned out with respect to the ambush of the lyre-player, Maximus Petullian; but I now find some difficulty in acquainting you with same, as I am no longer sure of the facts, and am beginning to doubt my sanity in consequence.
Yes, I know you have often kindly warned me of the danger of losing my reason if I carried on the way I was, but I no longer do so recently, and this is something else again, as I’m sure you will agree when I tell you, which I will now embark upon.
Listen: you will remember with pride, I am sure, as how I was about to leap from hiding upon that misbegotten minstrel with dagger drawn and teeth bared et cetera?
Right? Right! So this I proceeded to do, with all the ferocity at my disposal, which as per usual is considerable when roused, taking the poor old party round the throat with one hand while slipping my knife between his spare ribs with another; at which he forthwith died, with a most unmusical gurgle which was a pleasure to hear. I then concealed his remains in the shrub which I had recently vacated, leaving the instrument of death - as we call it, in the trade - protruding from his chest as instructed, so as to indicate to any interested prod-nose persons that Vandals were the cause, and by no means yours truly, Ascaris of the Ninth, which would never do.
So then, conscious of a job well done in all particulars, I left the bleeding remains to get on with it, and took myself off to a nearby tavern, there to report events to my superior officer, and receive any further instructions and/or praise which might be going. Whereupon, somewhat to my only very natural resentment, I should think, he declared in that classical Latin voice of his which always gets up my nostrils, that he’d best go and see for himself before handing out the rewards of merit, and off he forthwith popped.
Left to myself, I went into the bar - yes, I know what you’ve told me, but can’t you understand how I could truly do with a drop after my recent traumatic experience? For although killing is my second nature, it is my first - failed candidate for the priesthood, simply because I couldn’t handle the Hebrew, I ask you! - which has to be subdued on these post mortem occasions, and I find alcohol an admirable specific to this end, don’t I?
I was therefore entertaining the dwindling company to my generally admired rendition of the Second Ode of Horace, Book Three, when my shoulder sagged beneath the weight of a centurion’s hand.
‘Well, Ascaris,’ says he; ‘enjoying yourself, are you?’
I admitted that,