Doctor Who_ The Room With No Doors - Kate Orman [55]
DOCTOR: Chris.
CHRIS: Oh no. Not this again.
DOCTOR: We need to talk.
CHRIS: What – what exactly did you do to me yesterday? I mean, when I was telling you about what happened to the village? (Pause) It’s like I can remember it all in detail, but I can’t feel the feelings.
DOCTOR: There’s no time. There’s never time to feel the feelings. Not when you’re in the thick of it. Deal with the emergency first, and then angst about it afterwards.
CHRIS: And we’re still in the emergency?
DOCTOR: Yes. Until we get the pod to safety, and find out what it is.
CHRIS: Yeah, but – isn’t it sort of – I mean, I can remember being completely freaked out about the village burning down, isn’t it sort of unhealthy for me to supp–
(Several seconds’ silence)
DOCTOR: That’s better. I –
CHRIS: It’s just that after all this time I don’t think I can cut it any more. You know, I’ve been tested and stretched and I’ve found my limits and they’re not broad enough. I can do the not-thinking-about-it thing: I blew up all those Martians without giving it a second thought, remember? That’s not the problem. I can’t do the samurai thing. I can’t just throw my life away.
That was why I couldn’t save her. Don’t you see? That’s why I keep having those dreams. But I’m not like you. I can’t do it. I can’t manipulate people. I can’t just be a hero. I can’t just put my fear on one side. I can’t stop thinking about it! About all of it, about what will happen if I screw up, about all the people depending on me, to keep them alive, or even to kill them! I’m too young to be outliving everyone I know! I need to be relieved of duty. I’m unfit for duty!
DOCTOR: Relieved of duty. Imagine what it would be like (Pause) Did you feel cheated when the Turtle didn’t kill you?
Te Yene Rana, who had almost fallen asleep, found herself suddenly interested.
CHRIS: Don’t talk about that! We left that behind us on Yemaya 4! And it was 112
just a red herring anyway! There was no Turtle!
DOCTOR: It seems to me that you haven’t left it behind at all CHRIS: Yes I have! I don’t want to talk about it!
DOCTOR: Were you disappointed? You thought you were going to be killed by some abominable god.
Yeah, that sounded like the Turtle Te Yene Rana was familiar with. These aliens had been around.
CHRIS: Devoured.
DOCTOR: Devoured?
CHRIS: Sacrificed.
DOCTOR: Sacrificed?
CHRIS: Punished!
DOCTOR: Yes. The telepathic attack connected right with your self-worth. Or rather, this unconscious self-worthlessness. The feeling that you’re not good enough, that you’re not doing enough.
CHRIS: I’m different. Do you remember when I shot those two Nazis, and I was so pleased with myself, and you said
DOCTOR: ‘Chris, this isn’t a video game.’
CHRIS: I’m different now.
DOCTOR: But not that different. Changes come slowly in human beings.
Imagine what it’s like to know you might wake up, suddenly, completely different. With a new face, with a new personality. Suddenly you like jazz instead of opera; suddenly you can’t stand pears when you used to love poires en douillon; suddenly you’re shouting at your companions or you’re seeing patterns that you never used to see
CHRIS: It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault you’re going to regenerate!
DOCTOR: You have to be ready! I have to finish –
CHRIS: Teaching me? Training me? Changing me? What are you trying to turn me into? You? Is that it? What if I can’t be you! What if I don’t want to be you! It’s not my fault you’re going to die! I didn’t build that Room without any doors!
DOCTOR: What!
CHRIS: Am I going mad? Do you think I’m going mad? Is that what the dreams are about? I know it runs in the family. Like noses. Like being an Adjudicator runs in the family. My grandfather was completely bonkers before he died.
DOCTOR: You’re not going mad, Chris. Listen to me. It’s not meant for you, it’s not meant for you –
CHRIS: Don’t die. (Pause) Please don’t die. Please don’t go away and leave us 113
alone.
(Several minutes silence)
DOCTOR: It’s the effort