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was always the innocent party, being led on by me – about two weeks after I received some news from the doctor. I’d been to see a specialist, had some tests done. He told me the results were back, and that I had cancer.

Perhaps the fact that I didn’t tell you any of this shows what a rocky state our marriage was in anyway. I don’t know why I didn’t want to tell you – I suppose I just hoped if I ignored it enough, it would all go away. You always seemed so busy with your work at the Retreat – not that I’m blaming you for anything. I don’t want to go over old ground.

(I’ll leave all the lurid medical details for later in this letter. Suffice it to say, it’s all very advanced, and I haven’t got long to live. The funny thing is, I feel fine. Actually, not sure ‘funny’ is quite the right word here.) I certainly became very reckless – if my life was effectively over, then I no longer gave a damn, about anything. I set out to have an affair with Susannah.

It was nothing but lust. I’d always thought she was quite good-looking. I started gambling, big-time – though, of course, I’m a past master at keeping most of the credit-card bills from you. Soon they’ll just be my concern, and 225

my concern alone. (You should see the size of the flat I’ve got now – if you swung a cat in here you’d be done by the RSPCA. And, before you say it, yes, I know that phrase refers to a cat o’ nine tails. I’m trying to make a joke in the midst of all this awful crap. I really shouldn’t bother. Sorry.) Anyway, I’m sorry I went off the rails. I’m sorry I let my dick lead my brain.

To be honest, I’m not sure I feel any better now. I’m still scared – scared of dying, scared of what’s happening to my body.

Incidentally. . . you know I’m not one for quack medicine or miracle cures.

But it’s strange how you feel when you’re staring down the barrel of death.

You suddenly become a lot more open to all sorts of possibilities.

I mention this in passing because I found something, during the fire at the Retreat. I heard – from Susannah, and thus from the nurse’s grapevine – that it actually belongs to one of your patients, or former patients. Her father had cancer when he stopped wearing this thing – I’m wondering if it works in reverse.

I suppose I should hand it back, and it sounds daft, but it kind of warms me when I wear it. I’m wearing it now. It’s a pendant with a silver tooth on it. It probably won’t make any difference – just mind over matter stuff – but maybe I’ll give it a try.

You see, I really, really don’t want to die.

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Document Outline

Front Cover

Contents

Prologue: Dreams Never End

1: Do You Remember the First Time?

2: Suicide Isn't Painless

3: Architecture and Morality

4: There's a Ghost in My House

5: Caroline Says

6: Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity

7: I'll Be Your Mirror

8: Cellar Door

9: The Stolen Child

10: Mad World

11: Spy vs Spy

12: A Million Manias

13: My Life in a Bell Jar

14: Basket Case

15: A Hideous Strength

16: The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum

17: Matters of Life and Death

18: The World, the Flesh and the Devil

19: No Alarms

20: No One Here Gets Out Alive

21: The Sweet Unknown

22: Time's Tides

23: There by the Grace of God

24: This is the Way the World Ends

25: Soldier Girl

26: Good Riddance

Epilogue: P.S. Goodbye

Back Cover

Table of Contents

Prologue

Epilogue