Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak [195]
“Let’s go into the tent,” Pamphil invited.
“No, why? Anyway, I can’t get in. It’s better in the open air.”
“All right. Have it your way. In fact, it’s a hole. We can chat sitting on these staves” (so he called the trees heaped lengthwise).
And they sat on the birch trunks, which moved springily under them.
“They say a tale’s quickly told, but doing’s not quickly done. But my tale’s not quickly told either. In three years I couldn’t lay it all out. I don’t know where to begin.
“Well, so then. I was living with my wife. We were young. She saw to the house. I had no complaints, I did peasant work. Children. They took me as a soldier. Drove me flank-march to war. So, the war. What can I tell you about it? You saw it, comrade medic. So, the revolution. I began to see. The soldier’s eyes were opened. The German’s not the foreigner, the one from Germany, but one of our own. Soldiers of the world revolution, stick your bayonets in the ground, go home from the front, get the bourgeoisie! And stuff like that. You know it all yourself, comrade army medic. And so on. The civil war. I merge into the partisans. Now I’ll skip a lot, otherwise I’ll never finish. Now, to make a long story short, what do I see in the current moment? He, the parasite, has moved the first and second Stavropol regiments from the front, and the first Orenburg Cossack regiment as well. Am I a little kid not to understand? Didn’t I serve in the army? We’re in a bad way, army doctor, we’re cooked. What does the scoundrel want? He wants to fall on us with the whole lot of them. He wants to encircle us.
“Now at the present time I’ve got a wife and kids. If he overpowers us now, how will they get away from him? Is he going to make out that they’re not guilty of anything, that they’re not part of it? He’s not going to look into that. He’ll twist my wife’s arms, torment her, torture my wife and children on my account, tear their little joints and bones apart. Go on, eat and sleep after that. Say you’re made of iron, but you’ll still crack up.”
“You’re an odd bird, Pamphil. I don’t understand you. For years you’ve been doing without them, didn’t know about them, didn’t grieve. And now, when you may see them any day, instead of being glad, you sing a dirge for them.”
“That was then, but this is now—a big difference. The white-epauletted vermin are overpowering us. But I’m not the point. It’s the grave for me. Serves me right, clearly. But I can’t take my dear ones with me to the next world. They’ll fall into the foul one’s paws. He’ll bleed them drop by drop.”
“And that’s why you have these fleetlings? They say some sort of fleetlings appear to you.”
“Well, all right, doctor. I haven’t told you everything. Not the main thing. Well, all right, listen to my prickly truth, don’t begrudge me, I’ll tell it all straight in your face.
“I’ve done in a lot of your kind, there’s a lot of blood on my hands from the masters, the officers, and it’s nothing to me. I don’t remember numbers or names, it’s all flowed by like water. But one little bugger won’t get out of my head, I bumped off one little bugger and can’t forget him. Why did I destroy the lad? He made me laugh, he was killingly funny. I shot him from laughter, stupidly. For no reason.
“It was during the February revolution. Under Kerensky. We were rioting. It happened at the railroad. They sent us a young agitator, to rouse us for the attack with his tongue. So we’d make war to a victorious conclusion. A little cadet comes to pacify us with his tongue. Such a puny fellow. He had this slogan: to a victorious conclusion. He jumped with his slogan onto a firefighting tub that was there at the station. So he jumped up on the tub to call us to battle from higher up, and suddenly the lid gave way under his feet and he fell into the water. A misstep. Oh, how funny! I just rolled with laughter. I thought I’d die. Oh, it was killing. And I had a gun in my hands. And I was laughing my head off, and that was it, no help for it. Same as if he was