Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak [256]
“Beside him rose the unforgettably immense image of Russia, which suddenly blazed up in the eyes of all the world like a candle of atonement for all the woes and adversities of mankind. But why am I saying all this to you? For you it’s a clanging cymbal,6 empty sounds.
“For the sake of this girl I went to the university, for her sake I became a teacher and came to work in this Yuriatin, which was as yet unknown to me. I swallowed stacks of books and acquired a mass of knowledge, to be useful to her and to be at hand in case she needed my help. I went to war, so as to conquer her again after three years of marriage, and then, after the war and my return from captivity, I took advantage of my being considered dead and, under an assumed name, immersed myself totally in the revolution, to pay back in full for everything she had suffered, to wash clean these sad memories, so that there would be no return to the past, so that Tverskaya-Yamskaya would be no more. And they, she and my daughter, were next door, right here! What effort it cost me to suppress the desire to rush to them, to see them! But I wanted first to carry my life’s work to its conclusion. Oh, what I’d give now for just one look at them! When she came into a room, it was as if a window was thrown open, the room was filled with light and air.”
“I know how dear she was to you. But, forgive me, do you have any idea of how she loved you?”
“Sorry. What did you say?”
“I said, do you have any idea to what extent you were dear to her, dearer than anyone in the world?”
“Where did you get that?”
“She said it to me herself.”
“She? To you?”
“Yes.”
“Forgive me. I suppose this request is unrealizable, but if it is permissible within the bounds of modesty, if it is within your power, please recall as far as possible precisely what she said to you.”
“Very willingly. She called you an exemplary man, whose equal she had never seen, of a uniquely high authenticity, and said that if the vision of the home she once shared with you glimmered again on the far horizon, she would crawl to its doorstep on her knees from anywhere at all, even the ends of the earth.”
“Sorry. If this does not encroach on something inviolable for you, can you remember when and in what circumstances she told you that?”
“She was tidying this room. Then she went outside to shake out the rug.”
“Forgive me, but which one? There are two here.”
“The larger one.”
“She couldn’t do it alone. Did you help her?”
“Yes.”
“You held opposite ends of the rug, and she threw herself back, waving her arms high, as on a swing, and turned away from the flying dust, squinting and laughing. Right? How well I know her habits! And then you started walking towards each other, folding the heavy rug first in two, then in four, and she joked and pulled all sorts of antics while you did it. Right? Right?”
They got up, walked over to different windows, started looking in different directions. After some silence, Strelnikov went up to Yuri Andreevich. Catching hold of his hands and pressing them to his breast, he went on with the former hastiness:
“Forgive me, I understand that I’m touching something dear, cherished. But, if I may, I’ll ask more questions. Only don’t go away. Don’t leave me alone. I’ll soon go away myself. Think, six years of separation, six years of inconceivable self-restraint. But it seemed to me that not all of freedom had been conquered yet. I would achieve that first, and then I would belong wholly to them, my hands would be unbound. And now all