Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak [85]
“Ah, spit on the rugs and china, let it all perish. As if there was anything to be upset about! Yes, yes, it’s vexing in the highest degree that we didn’t see each other yesterday. I was so inspired! I’d have explained all of heavenly mechanics for you, and answered all the accursed questions!13 No, no joking, I really was longing to speak myself out. To tell about my wife, my son, my life. Devil take it, can’t a grown-up man talk with a grown-up woman without the immediate suspicion that there’s something ‘behind’ it? Brr! To the devil with all these fronts and behinds!
“Iron, iron, please—I mean, iron the laundry and pay no attention to me, and I’ll talk. I’ll talk for a long time.
“Just think what a time it is now! And you and I are living in these days! Only once in eternity do such unprecedented things happen. Think: the roof over the whole of Russia has been torn off, and we and all the people find ourselves under the open sky. And there’s nobody to spy on us. Freedom! Real, not just in words and demands, but fallen from the sky, beyond all expectation. Freedom by inadvertence, by misunderstanding.
“And how perplexedly enormous everyone is! Have you noticed? As if each of them is crushed by himself, by the revelation of his own heroic might.
“No, go on ironing. Keep still. You’re not bored? I’ll change the iron for you.
“I watched a meeting last night. An astounding spectacle. Mother Russia has begun to move, she won’t stay put, she walks and never tires of walking, she talks and can’t talk enough. And it’s not as if only people are talking. Stars and trees come together and converse, night flowers philosophize, and stone buildings hold meetings. Something gospel-like, isn’t it? As in the time of the apostles. Remember, in Paul? ‘Speak in tongues and prophesy. Pray for the gift of interpretation.’ ”14
“About the meetings of the trees and stars I understand. I know what you want to say. The same has happened to me.”
“The war did half of it, the rest was completed by the revolution. The war was an artificial interruption of life, as if existence could be postponed for a time (how absurd!). The revolution broke out involuntarily, like breath held for too long. Everyone revived, was reborn, in everyone there are transformations, upheavals. You might say that everyone went through two revolutions, one his own, personal, the other general. It seems to me that socialism is a sea into which all these personal, separate revolutions should flow, the sea of life, the sea of originality. The sea of life, I said, the life that can be seen in paintings, life touched by genius, life creatively enriched. But now people have decided to test it, not in books, but in themselves, not in abstraction, but in practice.”
The unexpected tremor in his voice betrayed the doctor’s incipient agitation. Interrupting her ironing for a moment, Larissa Fyodorovna gave him a serious and surprised look. He became confused and forgot what he was talking about. After a short pause, he began to talk again. Rushing headlong, he poured out God knows what. He said:
“In these days one longs so much to live honestly and productively! One wants so much to be part of the general inspiration! And then, amidst the joy that grips everyone, I meet your mysteriously mirthless gaze, wandering no one knows where, in some far-off kingdom, in some far-off land. What wouldn’t I give for it not to be there, for it to be written on your face that you are pleased with your fate and need nothing from anyone. So that somebody close to you,