Dr Thorne - Anthony Trollope [268]
’I remember my promise, and have kept it. I would not yield to your mother when she desired me to disclaim our engagement. But I do think it will be more prudent if you will consent to forget all that has passed between us – not, perhaps, to forget it; that may not be possible for us – but to let it pass by as though it had never been. If so, if you think so, dear Frank, do not have scruples on my account. What will be best for you, must be best for me. Think what a reflection it would ever be to me, to have been the ruin of one that I love so well!
‘Let me have but one word to say that I am released from my promise, and I will tell my uncle that the matter between us is over. It will be painful for us at first; those occasional meetings which must take place will distress us, but that will wear off. We shall always think well of each other, and why should we not be friends? This, doubtless, cannot be done without inward wounds; but such wounds are in God’s hands, and He can cure them.
‘I know what your first feelings will be on reading this letter; but do not answer it in obedience to first feelings. Think over it, think of your father, and all you owe him, of your old name, your old family, and of what the world expects from you.’ (Mary was forced to put her hand to her eyes, to save her paper from her falling tears, as she found herself thus repeating, nearly word for word, the arguments that had been used by Lady Arabella.) ‘Think of these things, coolly, if you can, but, at any rate, without passion: and then let me have one word in answer. One word will suffice.
‘I have but to add this: do not allow yourself to think that my heart will ever reproach you. It cannot reproach you for doing that which I myself suggest.’ (Mary’s logic in this was very false; but she was not herself aware of it.) ‘I will never reproach you either in word or thought; and as for all others, it seems to me that the world agrees that we have hitherto been wrong. The world, I hope, will be satisfied when we have obeyed it.
‘God bless you, dearest Frank! I shall never call you so again; but it would be a pretence were I to write otherwise in this letter. Think of this, and then let me have one line. – Your affectionate friend,
’MARY THORNE
‘P.S. – Of course I cannot be at dear Beatrice’s marriage; but when they come back to the parsonage, I shall see her. I am sure they will both be happy, because they are so good. I need hardly say that I shall think of them on their wedding day.’
When she had finished her letter, she addressed it plainly, in her own somewhat bold handwriting, to Francis N. Gresham, Jun., Esq., and then took it herself to the little village post-office. There should be nothing underhand about her correspondence: all the Greshamsbury world should know of it – that world of which she had spoken in her letter – if that world so pleased. Having put her penny label on it, she handed it, with an open brow and an unembarrassed face, to the baker’s wife, who was Her Majesty’s postmistress at Greshamsbury; and, having so finished her work, she returned to see the table prepared for her uncle’s dinner. ‘I will say nothing to him,’ said she to herself, ‘till I get the answer. He will not talk to me about it, so why should I trouble him?’
CHAPTER XLIII
The Race of Scatcherd Becomes Extinct
IT will not be imagined, at any rate by feminine readers, that Mary’s letter was written off at once, without alterations and changes, or the necessity for a fair copy. Letters from one young lady to another are doubtless written in this manner, and even with them it might sometimes be better if more patience had been taken; but with Mary’s first letter to her lover – her first love-letter, if love-letter it can be called – much more care was used. It was copied and re-copied, and when she returned from posting it, it was read and re-read.
‘It is very cold,’ she said to herself; ‘he will think I have no heart, that I have never loved him!’ And then she all but resolved to run