Dude, Where's My Country_ - Michael Moore [41]
M: Don’t worry. The die-off is over. You are safe now. Just keep digging up all that plastic and you’ll be okay.
A: Great-Grandpa, how did you survive?
M: Your great-grandma and I were traveling overseas when the great die-off began. We were able to survive because, somewhere in the Big Oil Region, we found a cave with lots of food and cell phones and a FedEx box. I never would have believed someone could survive in a cave that long and not be detected. But we did, just like whoever used the cave before us. The only strange thing is, there was a dialysis machine in there. I kept thinking, naw, this couldn’t be . . .
A: Dad said he hoped you and Great-Grandma would move back in with us so we could all stay warmer. Even though I am mad at you for using up all the oil and not even saving a gallon for us, maybe it would be nicer to have family here when we snuggle under the family quilt when the temperature drops below zero and we can’t get the neighbors to come over. Once it was so cold we had to get a couple of animals to sleep with us and, even though it was warmer, the stink was so bad I couldn’t go to sleep. Mom said that you even sometimes heated the outdoors just so you could stand around without a jacket and sip drinks. Can you and Great-Grandma come stay with us?
M: Why, yes, I would love to. But, I’m afraid at our age, we stink pretty bad, too.
A: Mom said you were once famous for a few minutes for yelling about something during one of the Oil Wars. Now all we have is this old photo of you with your mouth open and pointing at something. And you’re using two fingers! What were you angry about? Was it the oil?
M: Um, well, Great-Grandma won’t let me discuss this as long as she is alive. She got all dressed up that night and everything and she was so beautiful and . . . here, hand over that picture, little girl! I’m starting to hear boos in my head!
A: Sure. Here it is. Thanks, Great-Grandpa! Any last words? Your candle is almost gone.
M: Yes, you know, as I look back on it now, the ten years between 2005 and 2015 were the most critical time on this planet for our species. Many of us tried to warn everyone else of the danger of running out of oil, but few listened. There were good people, people who cared about each other, our children and the planet. We struggled, but not hard enough. The forces of selfish greed fought harder. They seemed bent on extinction, and almost succeeded. I’m sorry. We’re sorry. Perhaps you can do better.
It was right around then, when I was getting all preachy and schmaltzy, that I awoke out of my dream in a cold sweat, mumbling something about an overdue dry cleaning bill in Toledo. I sat straight up in bed and then realized it was only a dream, that nothing as ridiculous as all that could ever happen, and so I laid back down and got all nice and cozy underneath the electric blanket and fell back asleep with sweet dreams of Tofutti dancing in my head . . .
CHAPTER
4
The United States of BOO!
THERE IS no terrorist threat.
You need to calm down, relax, listen very carefully, and repeat after me:
There is no terrorist threat.
There is no terrorist threat!
THERE . . . IS . . . NO . . . TERRORIST . . . THREAT!
Feel better? Not really, huh? I know, it’s hard. Amazing how it didn’t take long to pound that belief so deep into our psyche that the country, the world, is teeming with terrorists. Madmen are running amok on their evil mission to destroy every living American infidel!
Of course, it didn’t help for us to watch the mass murder of 3,000 people, obliterated before our very eyes. That would tend to convince even the most cynical among us that there are people out there who don’t like us and would like to see fewer of us in the world.
Why do they hate us? Our leader knew why, just days after September 11 when he addressed the nation: “They want us to stop flying and they want