Dude, Where's My Country_ - Michael Moore [52]
CHAPTER
5
How to Stop Terrorism?
Stop Being Terrorists!
WELCOME TO Mike’s Quick and Easy Guide to Preventing Future Terrorist Attacks.
Yes, that’s right, there will be future terrorist attacks. How do I know this? Because that’s what they tell us every bloody day!
I know I just said that there really is no terrorist threat, but in case I’m wrong, it probably isn’t a bad idea to be prepared.
I have studied this matter thoroughly and, because I spend a good chunk of my year on Manhattan Island—the target of choice for international evildoers—I have made this study a top priority. Why? Because I want to live! Sorry to be so self-serving, but I’ve got a movie to make, I’m getting a new hybrid car, and I’ve just lost fifty pounds and I sure as hell better live so I can lose the other fifty!
Bush’s program of homeland security is providing us with no security at all. If you want real security, I suggest you consider my ideas that will definitely make America a safer country:
1. Catch Osama bin Laden. Whoa, there’s an original idea! I guess someone forgot to do this. Didn’t they tell us that Osama was the mastermind of 9/11? Wouldn’t that make him a mass murderer? With all the capabilities we have (like being able to read a license plate number from a spy satellite in outer space), why hasn’t this man been caught? Who’s his travel agent? My theory: He’s back home in Saudi Arabia being protected by those who have been funding him and getting the medical help that he needs for his failing kidneys. Or he’s in Newark. Or . . . he’s right behind you, right now!! Run away! Run away!!!
2. When staging a coup and overthrowing the democratically elected leader of another country, do it right. Don’t force the people of those countries to live under a U.S.-sponsored dictatorship as we did in Chile, Indonesia, and Guatemala. These regimes are set up primarily to allow U.S. corporations to run roughshod over their people. This type of behavior results in a certain unruly segment of the population just hating our guts. I know, I know, what a bunch of crybabies. Still, we’re the ones who often end up suffering. The best way to help spread democracy may be for us to not undo the democratic decisions people in other countries make.
3. Propping up existing dictators does not endear us to the people living under the rule of those dictators. Our history of siding with the wrong guy is extensive. We’ve picked more losers than a television executive. Saddam and the Saudi royals are only the start of a long list. Those living under the boot of these despots know that we’re responsible for their suffering.
4. When attempting to prop up a Latin American dictator, try to do it without killing too many nuns or archbishops. It tends to give the natives, who are often very religious, a bad taste in their mouths, and some of them may get the weird desire to kill a few of us in return.
5. When attempting to assassinate the president of Cuba, make sure you get the right kind of exploding cigars. Failure to dispose of him properly, after we had just spent decades supporting his corrupt predecessors, gives the American position little credibility.
6. It might be good to find out why hundreds of millions of people on three continents, stretching from Morocco on the Atlantic to the Philippines in the Pacific, are so pissed off about Israel. Now, I’m not just talking about your everyday run-of-the-mill anti-Semites—you can find them on all seven continents, including Antarctica. No, I’m talking about a perceived notion that we Americans are supporting Israel in its oppression of the Palestinian