Dude, Where's My Country_ - Michael Moore [56]
“I could not be governor if I did not believe in a divine plan that supercedes all human plans.”
“I believe God wants me to be president.”
“I feel the comfort and the power of knowing that literally millions of Americans I’m never going to meet . . . say my name to the Almighty every day and ask him to help me . . . My friend, Jiang Zemin in China, has about a billion and a half folks, and I don’t think he can say that. And my friend, Vladimir Putin, I like him, but he can’t say that.”
Can you believe this nitwit? I actually like Putin and Jiang a lot. Do you think I keep making so many Chinese and Russians because I don’t like them?
I have a confession to make: Sometimes I screw up. Not all of My creations are perfect. And, in the case of the human you know as George W. Bush, well, this is one that really got away from Me.
I’m not quite sure how it happened. I have a pretty strict inventory process and it’s rare that something I create turns out to be a clunker. But when I screw up, I screw up big. Take Pompeii—I still don’t know what the hell happened there. I was experimenting with a new mix of sulfur and dioxide and sugar-free cola and before I knew it—BOOM! At least it’s good for the tourism (unlike Atlantis, which was really embarrassing). Then there’s Bangladesh. I was trying to get the land and water levels just right but I miscalculated and couldn’t quite make it fit. You know how when you’re making the bed and after you’ve pulled everything into place and then there’s always that one spot that just doesn’t even itself out, so you kinda tuck it in under the mattress? That’s Bangladesh. The whole damn thing is below sea level. All those floods were never meant to be a wrath-of-Me thing.
And, yes, I do wish I had given you all eyes in the back of your heads. Bad design flaw. Also, you’re right—there are NOT enough hours in the day. When I created the heavens and the Earth, I should have rotated your axis a bit differently and given you at least an extra five hours of daylight to get all your errands done and get home in time to barbecue. Plus, who couldn’t use two more hours of sleep each night? There are a few other things I’d also do differently: I’d never give any of you the brains to invent Astroturf. I would strike down Clear Channel with one awesome lightning bolt. I would knock some sense into Tony Blair’s head. And I would smite the entire arena football league.
Believe Me, when I get to do it over again (after you all have blown up the world), I’ll get it right.
But, for now, what do I do about this Bush fellow? I keep hearing him say that he is “acting” on My “behalf.” Let’s get one thing straight: This guy does NOT speak for Me or anyone else up here. I do My own talking, or when I’m tired, I send down a prophet or two to do the yammering for Me. Once I sent My Son, but that just stirred up a shitstorm which still hasn’t died down. Things didn’t go too well for Him and frankly, Our relationship is still a little strained over it. He’s told Me in no uncertain terms that He is never going back to Earth, Second Coming or no Second Coming. “Send Gabriel,” is all He ever says to Me when I broach the subject.
I’d hate to have to come down there Myself to straighten things out because, when I show up, it ain’t a pretty sight. George W. Bush was not sent by Me on any kind of mission whatsoever. He was not sent to remove Saddam, he was not sent to fight some axis of evil, and he was not supposed to be president. I have no clue how that one even happened. First, I answered all of your prayers and removed his father from the presidency. Then, when his son showed up eight years later, I again answered all your prayers and that guy Gore got the most votes. Like you, I did not count on the interference of any