Dude, Where's My Country_ - Michael Moore [58]
5. One more thing on the subject of creation: Let Me state once and for all that I did not invent and do not endorse “creationism.” It’s a completely bogus concept, right up there with the New Hampshire primary and non-alcoholic beer. I’m an evolution guy, despite what the neanderthals claim in My name. Who do you think created science? Only a Higher Power could come up with something so complex and miraculous.
6. I do not approve of plaques and monuments with the Ten Commandments and other religious material being displayed in public buildings. My little-known Eleventh Commandment? Keep your religious convictions to your own damn selves.
7. As far as those other religions go, two points of clarification. One, there are never going to be seventy-two virgins waiting for you up here. We haven’t had a virgin up here since Jesus’ mother, and you’re not getting anywhere near her. So save yourself the dynamite and blown-to-bits body parts because you aren’t ever getting a room in My joint. And, two, there is no “Promised Land.” That big truckload of sand I dumped in that horrid little strip between the Mediterranean and the River Jordan? NOBODY was supposed to live on it, let alone fight over it to the point where it may result in the end of the world. I did not give that land to the Israelites, I did not give that land to Mohammad, and if everyone keeps using Me as the landlord I’m going to settle the dispute once and for all, so knock it off.
8. And, finally, no more of this “God Bless America” crap. What makes you think you get to be blessed and no one else does? I don’t play favorites. You don’t hear anyone in Djibouti saying “God Bless Djibouti.” I have never heard anyone utter the words “God Bless Botswana.” They know better. Let’s get this straight—God don’t bless America, God don’t bless anyone, God has got a tee time on the back nine and he doesn’t have time to be interrupted with this patriotic mumbo jumbo. Go bless yourselves and quit using My name as a justification for feeling superior to everyone else. You aren’t. You are actually among the dumbest people on the planet. Don’t think so? Name the president of Mexico. See? Ask anyone else in the world the name of the leader of the country next to theirs and they can tell you who it is. God bless America? More like God bleeps America.
Look, I’m asking for a little help here. I realize I should have put an end to this madness a few days after 9/11 when George W. said on the altar of the National Cathedral that it was his mission now to “rid the world of evil.” People started to believe that he was going to do it. Well, you can’t rid the world of “evil” because evil is necessary to define what is good. If there were no evil, there would be no Me. Evil is a necessary element for you humans, a way for Me to test you, challenge you, to give you the chance to decide with your free will whether you will chose evil or good.
You want to get rid of some evil? Why not start with eliminating a bit of the evil you’ve created. Letting people live on the street without a home is evil. Allowing millions of your children to go hungry, that is evil. Watching endless hours of reality television when you could be having really raunchy sex with someone you love, that is evil.
You wanna fight an evildoer? Go smack yourself around the room for an hour. Then go out and defeat the devil in the big white house.
That is your mission. Fail Me, and you’ll be toast.
That is all. God has spoken.
Now back to the rest of this book . . .
CHAPTER
7
Horatio Alger Must Die
PERHAPS THE BIGGEST SUCCESS in the War on Terror has been its ability to distract the nation from the Corporate War on Us. In the two years since the attacks of 9/11, American businesses have been on a punch-drunk rampage that has left millions of average Americans with their savings gone, their pensions looted, their hopes for a comfortable future for their families diminished or extinguished. The business bandits (and their government accomplices) who have wrecked our economy have tried to blame