Eclipse - Stephenie Meyer [135]
“That’s right — you said it was so easy that someone could sit out,” I repeated his words from last night. “Did you really mean that?”
“Yes.”
It felt too simple — he had to see it coming.
“So easy that you could sit out?”
After a long moment of silence, I finally looked up at his expression.
The poker face was back.
I took a deep breath. “So it’s one way or the other. Either there is more danger than you want me to know about, in which case it would be right for me to be there, to do what I can to help. Or . . . it’s going to be so easy that they’ll get by without you. Which way is it?”
He didn’t speak.
I knew what he was thinking of — the same thing I was thinking of. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. Jasper. And . . . I forced myself to think the last name. And Alice.
I wondered if I was a monster. Not the kind that he thought he was, but the real kind. The kind that hurt people. The kind that had no limits when it came to what they wanted.
What I wanted was to keep him safe, safe with me. Did I have a limit to what I would do, what I would sacrifice for that? I wasn’t sure.
“You ask me to let them fight without my help?” he said in a quiet voice.
“Yes.” I was surprised I could keep my voice even, I felt so wretched inside. “Or to let me be there. Either way, so long as we’re together.”
He took a deep breath, and then exhaled slowly. He moved his hands to place them on either side of my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. He looked into my eyes for a long time. I wondered what he was looking for, and what it was that he found. Was the guilt as thick on my face as it was in my stomach — sickening me?
His eyes tightened against some emotion I couldn’t read, and he dropped one hand to pull out his phone again.
“Alice,” he sighed. “Could you come babysit Bella for a bit?” He raised one eyebrow, daring me to object to the word. “I need to speak with Jasper.”
She evidently agreed. He put the phone away and went back to staring at my face.
“What are you going to say to Jasper?” I whispered.
“I’m going to discuss . . . me sitting out.”
It was easy to read in his face how difficult the words were for him.
“I’m sorry.”
I was sorry. I hated to make him do this. Not enough that I could fake a smile and tell him to go on ahead without me. Definitely not that much.
“Don’t apologize,” he said, smiling just a little. “Never be afraid to tell me how you feel, Bella. If this is what you need . . .” He shrugged. “You are my first priority.”
“I didn’t mean it that way — like you have to choose me over your family.”
“I know that. Besides, that’s not what you asked. You gave me two alternatives that you could live with, and I chose the one that I could live with. That’s how compromise is supposed to work.”
I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his chest. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“Anytime,” he answered, kissing my hair. “Anything.”
We didn’t move for a long moment. I kept my face hidden, pressed against his shirt. Two voices struggled inside me. One that wanted to be good and brave, and one that told the good one to keep her mouth shut.
“Who’s the third wife?” he asked me suddenly.
“Huh?” I said, stalling. I didn’t remember having had that dream again.
“You were mumbling something about ‘the third wife’ last night. The rest made a little sense, but you lost me there.”
“Oh. Um, yeah. That was just one of the stories that I heard at the bonfire the other night.” I shrugged. “I guess it stuck with me.”
Edward leaned away from me and cocked his head to the side, probably confused by the uncomfortable edge to my voice.
Before he could ask, Alice appeared in the kitchen doorway with a sour expression.
“You’re going to miss all the fun,” she grumbled.
“Hello, Alice,” he greeted her. He put one finger under my chin and tilted my face up to kiss me goodbye.
“I’ll be back later tonight,” he promised me. “I’ll go work this out with the others, rearrange things.”
“Okay.”
“There’s not much to arrange,” Alice said.