Empire_ What Ruling the World Did to the British - Jeremy Paxman [177]
* On the subject of polygamy, an unfortunate consequence of the missionaries’ encouraging men to discard ‘surplus’ wives was the spread of syphilis, because abandoned wives were often driven to prostitution.
* Chilembwe is the only Christian minister I have heard of who not only sanctioned killing a man (a local white estate manager, William Jervis Livingstone, in 1915) but then preached his Sunday sermon with his victim’s head displayed on a pole beside him.
* They were marked out by their moustache habit, which became commonplace for European soldiers in the East India Company’s Bombay Regiment in 1854, largely because Indian soldiers laughed at clean-shaven men. Soon the fashion had taken hold everywhere. Canny businessmen offered pomades, wax, scissors and curling tongs to make facial topiary appear even more impressive. Piers Brendon, author of one of the most readable of empire histories, even believes that the state of the moustache carries a message about the state of the empire. When Kitchener set out to retake Sudan he wore what was to become the most famous facial hair in the world (as seen on the First World War ‘Your Country Needs You’ recruiting poster). By contrast, Anthony Eden, the Prime Minister responsible for the bungled attempt to capture the Suez Canal in 1956, had a weedy apology for a moustache (see p. 264). Other stigmata of empire were not on public display, although another distinguished empire historian, Ronald Hyam, suggests that the growth of the moustache was complemented by the snipping off of the foreskin. How much the increasing popularity of male circumcision was to do with discouraging masturbation later in life and how much to do with health considerations in the tropics is a question unlikely ever to be resolved.
* Sadly, the story of the supposed origin of the missionary position, as the only arrangement which British missionaries believed suitable for the beastly business, is probably untrue.
* The nawab was an Olympic-class voluptuary, whose English factotum described him as ‘a curious compound of extravagance, avarice, candour, cunning, levity, cruelty, childishness, affability, brutish sensuality, good humour, vanity and imbecility’. He took a lot of drugs, had elephant-drawn carriages inside which he could give comfortable dinner parties for a dozen guests at a time, and maintained a harem of 500 women. He was just the sort of pet ruler the British liked. Colonel Mordaunt commanded his bodyguard.
* Without the Anglo-Indian community, it is fair to say, the railways, telephone exchanges and customs service of British India could not have functioned. Since independence they have found life harder, although their excellent command of colloquial English has ensured jobs in places like call centres. They have all sorts of unexpected talents. At an Anglo-Indian tea party in Chennai, one of the prominent members of the local community turned to me proudly and pointed out how well everyone danced. ‘It’s part of our heritage,’ he said, ‘natural rhythm. We got it from the British.’
* Like the great orientalist Sir William Jones, Stuart is buried among dozens of less culturally sympathetic colonists in South Park Street Cemetery in Calcutta. Jones’s grave is marked by a stained stone obelisk thrusting its way up through the trees, the crossed cannon which often decorated the graves of soldiers replaced in his case by crossed spades, in recognition of his talents as an archaeologist. Major General Stuart lies in a (now rather badly restored) ‘Hindu’ tomb, in front of which a dog had just whelped when I visited. His greatest memorial, though, is his large assembly of Hindu art, which forms the core of the British Museum collection.
* ‘Make a slip-knot at each end of your cord. Tie his hands behind him by passing each loop over his little fingers. Place the burglar face downward, and bend his knees. Pass both feet under the string, and he will be unable to get away’ (Baden-Powell and Baden-Powell,