Empress Orchid - Anchee Min [179]
I summoned Prince Ch’un and Yung Lu to my tent. My brother-in-law arrived a little early, and I asked him about his baby boy and my sister Rong’s health. He broke down in tears and told me that my infant nephew had died. He blamed his wife and said that the baby had died of malnutrition. I couldn’t believe it, but then realized that it might be true. My sister had odd ideas about food. She didn’t believe in feeding her child “until he became a fat-bellied Buddha”; therefore she never allowed the baby to eat his fill. No one knew it was due to Rong’s mental illness until two of her other sons also died in infancy.
Prince Ch’un begged me to do something to stop Rong, since she was pregnant again. I promised I would help and told him to have some yam wine. In the middle of our conversation Yung Lu arrived. He was in uniform and his boots were covered with dirt. He sat down quietly and took a bowl of yam wine. I observed him as I went on speaking with Prince Ch’un.
Our talk led from children to our parents, from Emperor Hsien Feng to Prince Kung. We talked about how well things had turned out, about our luck in triumphing over Su Shun. I wanted to discuss the tasks ahead, the unsettling situation of the Taipings, the treaties and negotiations with foreign powers, but Prince Ch’un grew bored and yawned.
Yung Lu and I sat face to face. I watched him drink five bowls of yam wine. By then his face was deep red, but he would not talk with me.
“Yung Lu is attractive even in the eyes of men,” An-te-hai said that night as he gently tucked in my blankets. “I admire your willpower, my lady. But I am puzzled by your actions. What good does it do when you sound as if you don’t care for him at all?”
“I enjoy his presence, and that is all I can afford,” I said. I stared at the ceiling of the tent, knowing that a hard night lay before me.
“I don’t understand,” the eunuch said.
I sighed. “Tell me, An-te-hai, is the saying generally true that if one keeps grinding an iron bar, the bar will be turned into a needle?”
“I don’t know what people’s hearts are made of, my lady, so I would say that I am not sure.”
“I am trying to convince myself that there are interesting things in the world to live for besides … trying to obtain the impossible.”
“The result will be like chasing death.”
“Yes, like a moth that can’t resist the flame. The question is, can it do otherwise?”
“Love is poisonous in this sense. But one can’t do without love.” His voice was firm and self-assured. “It is an involuntary devotion.”
“I am afraid that this is not my only glance into the endlessly changing river of suffering.”
“Yet your heart refuses to protect itself.”
“Can one be protected from love?”
“The truth is that you can’t stop caring for Yung Lu.”
“There must be different ways to love.”
“He has you in his heart as well, my lady.”
“Heaven pity him.”
“Have you ways to comfort yourself?” An-te-hai asked.
“I am thinking about inviting myself to be his matchmaker.”
The eunuch looked shocked. “You are crazy, my lady.”
“There is no other way.”
“What about your heart, my lady? Do you want to bleed to death? If I could get rich by collecting your tears from the floor, my wealth would surpass Tseng Kuo-fan’s!”
“My desire will quit once he’s taken. I’ll force myself. By helping him I shall help myself.”
An-te-hai lowered his head. “You need him too much to …”
“I shall …” I couldn’t find a phrase to end my sentence.
“Have you ever thought of what to do if he comes, let’s say tonight, at midnight, for example?” the eunuch said after a moment of silence.
“What are you saying?”
“Knowing what your heart wants, my lady, knowing that it is safe, that we are not inside the Forbidden