Engineman - Eric Brown [156]
I was glad then that my face could no longer register expression; she would have seen my shock. I was shocked because my decision to die had been a private one, and I had no idea that I'd allowed it to come through on the crystal. Then I recalled the way she had lingered over a particular node on the console.
"You read it?" I asked her.
"Very slightly. I almost missed it at first, like everyone else. I don't think you meant to show it, but it's there, buried beneath all the other emotions but just about discernible."
I remained silent. I had spoken to no-one about my decision, and the fact that Lin Chakra knew made me uneasy.
Then her question came. "Why?"
I had to think for long minutes before I could begin to explain myself. My decision had been a matter of instinct, a feeling that what I planned to do was somehow right. Now, when I came to explain this need, I feared I was cheating a genuine conviction with a devalued currency of words.
"I want to die because I survived," I told her. "I had no right to survive when the others died. I can't get over the guilt."
"I don't understand." She looked at me, her face serious between the V of her collar. "Maybe you want to end your life because you can't stand to go on as you are?"
Again my face failed to show the emotion I felt - anger, this time. "I resent that! That would make my decision to die a petty thing, self-pity masquerading as heroics. And anyway, I needn't remain like this. The best medics could fix me a new face, almost as good as new, remove the computer. I could live a normal life despite the fact that Ana's cry would be in my head even when it was no longer there... I'm sorry I've failed to justify my decision to you, but to be honest I don't feel that I have to."
"There is one way you can do that..."
"I don't see-" I began. Then I did.
She took a small box from her tunic and flipped open the lid. Inside, a fresh crystal sparkled in the starlight. "Take it," she said. "Concentrate on why you feel you have to die."
"I don't see why I should justify my need to you-"
"Or perhaps you're unable to justify it to yourself."
So I snatched the crystal and gripped it in my fist, hearing again Ana's scream as she passed into oblivion. And again I experienced the gnawing guilt, the aching desire to share her fate. The crystal soaked up the fact that I had had the casting vote on whether or not we should take the short-cut. I had voted for it, and by doing so had sent Ana and my colleagues to their deaths.
Ana had voted against the jump.
When it seemed that I'd wrung moisture from the crystal - my hand dripped with perspiration - I passed it back to Lin Chakra. She held the hexagonal diamond on the flat of her palm, staring at it with large brown eyes.
Without a word she slipped the crystal into her tunic.
"The medics give me another six months if I don't agree to a series of operations," I said. "In that time I should be able to finish quite a few crystals. The last one will be an explanation of why I feel I have to die."
We talked of other things until Chakra said she had to go.
"Some Enginemen," she said, "believe that the nada-continuum promises an afterlife."
I tried to laugh. "I'm not a Disciple," I told her. "There is no afterlife, as far as I'm concerned."
She nodded and said, "Why not come over to my studio tomorrow evening? The work I'm doing now might interest you."
With reluctance I accepted the invitation, and a little later we left the balcony. She unlocked the door to the party room, and the glare of the spotlight was on her again. I could hear the front-man yammering questions.
Lin pushed through the crowd. Our first meeting was over.
I arrived back at my slum dwelling at dawn, and from across the studio an empty crystal console beckoned me. I began work immediately, spurred by my conversation with Lin Chakra. By telling her of my intentions I had reminded myself of the short time I had left in which to complete the crystals. In six months I would be dead; until our meeting, that had been