Engineman - Eric Brown [89]
Go on.
Bobby hesitated, then said, "I haven't spoken about this to anyone... that last time in the tank - it was different. I felt as though what was happening to me - what happened to leave me like this - was somehow intended by someone or something out there, in the continuum. I know that sounds hard to believe, but that's what I felt at the time. I heard a... a calling, almost, a kind of... I don't know - a telepathic beckoning." He paused, his face animated as he considered what had happened to him. "Now, when I meditate, I experience the calling again. It's the most wondrous feeling in existence, Ralph."
Mirren shook his head. He signed, Why didn't you tell me before?
"Ralph..." Bobby looked pained. "How could I have told you what ecstasy I experienced through my belief?"
You could have told me! Mirren signed. I wouldn't have ridiculed you!
Bobby released a sigh. Mirren saw sadness etched in the lines of his face. "The reason I didn't tell you, Ralph, wasn't because I feared your scepticism-"
Then why?
"How could I have told you what rapture awaited, what wonder I was in contact with, when everyday you went through hell craving the flux, unable to believe..." Bobby's expression was blank, staring.
Carefully, Mirren signed, I wish I could believe, Bobby. More than anything I wish I could believe. I sometimes think that there was something wrong with me.
"Ralph, Ralph..." His slurred words were freighted with compassion. "Please, listen to me. You might not believe now, but you will when the time comes to unite with the infinite - and that is all that matters. It isn't like the simplistic, barbaric belief system of the Christians and the other cults; belief isn't a prerequisite for salvation. This life is merely a stage through which we pass on to something greater. I know these words will mean nothing to you now, but they're all I can say."
Mirren could not stop his tears. He gripped Bobby's hand.
"Ralph?"
Tentatively, Mirren reached out and hugged his brother. Bobby stiffened, almost reluctant at first, then he too put his arms around his brother's shoulders. It was a release Mirren could never have imagined himself either needing or accepting. He knelt on the carpet, hugged his brother to him and cried onto his shoulder, as if this way he could shed all his fear and anguish, or at least share it. For perhaps five minutes they remained like this, Bobby patting his back, murmuring soothing words.
Mirren pulled away, found Bobby's hand. He signed, I have Heine's disease, Bobby.
His brother slowly shook his head. "Ralph... I'm sorry."
Bobby reached out, then, like a blind man, found Mirren's face with his fingers and cupped his cheek in the palm of his hand, soothing him.
It isn't contagious. I can't pass it on.
Bobby merely shook his head.
The medic gave me about four, five years. I... He stopped there, unable to go on. He choked back a sob, glad that Bobby could not hear or see him.
He gathered himself, and with determination signed, I'm frightened. I realise that even the life I've lived for the past ten years is preferable to no life at all.
"Ralph..." Tenderly, Bobby swept his hand through the hair on the side of Mirren's head, staring into his face so that tomorrow he could look upon him.
"I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, Ralph."
Mirren wiped his tears. The very act of telling Bobby of his fear, of communicating his anguish, had had the strange effect of muting it, making it manageable.
Mirren smiled into his brother's unseeing eyes. "Talking to you has helped a lot, Bobby," he said.
They held each other for long minutes.
At last, Mirren signed, You don't fear death?
Bobby shook his head. "No, I don't. I believe - no, I know, that another life, another existence, awaits us. I wish I could somehow let you experience my certainty..."
Mirren recalled what Dan had made him promise that morning. He signed, But what if death came tomorrow, next week? Don't you need time