Escape From Evil - Cathy Wilson [96]
I didn’t cry. There was no point. I wasn’t upset, I was angry – with myself. Had I really thought that the abuse and the violence would be left behind in Brighton? He’d only behaved recently because he’d wanted something. Now he’d got his way, the true Peter was coming out again. I needed to get used to it.
How has my life become such a mess?
I was in the middle of nowhere – no, not even the middle. I was in the furthest reaches of nowhere and I had no friends, no money. I really felt stuck, adrift, desperate. And so, when the inevitable apology came an hour or so later, I begrudgingly relented.
‘I love you so much, hen,’ Peter said. ‘Don’t let this ruin everything.’
Immediately the pressure was on me to make amends.
‘You hurt me,’ I replied, without looking at him.
‘I know, I’m sorry.’ He put his arms around me and pulled us together. ‘It will never happen again. I swear it. Do you hear me? I swear it.’
I pulled away. Apology or not, I didn’t want to be touched.
‘Come on, pet, don’t be like that. Don’t ruin our fresh start.’
Me ruin it? I wished he’d just go away.
‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘I shouldn’t have upset you.’
That was what he’d been waiting for. I’d apologized to him. Just like a good battered wife should.
To fight the boredom, I decided to start the redecorating. The kitchen needed it most, so I told Peter what wallpaper I wanted and eventually he let me go and buy it.
‘I’ll want to see change and the receipt,’ he warned as usual.
I didn’t even question it anymore. That was just the way things were. On those occasions when I was given too much change, though, or if I spotted a coin in the street, it would go straight into my pocket. Never my purse because Peter always checked that.
It was a slow process, especially as I had to do the decorating during Daniel’s nap times. But I got there. A week later I was the proud owner of a smart new kitchen.
Peter didn’t have a good word to say about it. He complained about the mess while I was doing it and he moaned about the colours when I’d finished. He couldn’t have been more uncomplimentary if he’d tried. Still, at least Daniel and the guinea pigs seemed to enjoy running around now that it was all fresh and clean.
It turned out the guinea pigs were enjoying it too much. When they weren’t scurrying around under my feet, I’d noticed that they liked stretching over the skirting board on their hind legs. It looked cute. What I didn’t see, however, was that the reason they were doing that was to be able to nibble the bottom of the new paper. Sod’s law, it had to be Peter who noticed it first.
‘What the fuck?’ he shouted and before I could even register what he was talking about, he flung open the door and hurled one of the guinea pigs like a cricket ball up the garden. I gasped as it smashed against the shed and didn’t get up again. That’s when I realized Daniel had seen everything.
‘Stop it, Peter, for Christ’s sake, you’re scaring him!’
But he wasn’t listening. With another fierce lob, the second guinea pig sailed into the air and over the fence at the bottom of the garden.
‘Come here, Daniel, darling,’ I said and led him quickly out of the room. The sooner I got the cockatiel to distract him, the better.
I didn’t give a toss about the torn wallpaper and I couldn’t see why Peter cared so much either. I was the one who’d put it up and would have to repair the frayed edges. What really bothered me, though, was seeing how invisible Daniel was to his father in that mood. It was like he wasn’t there. And that scared me more than any threats or smacks against me.
A lot of people were feeling the brunt of Peter’s temper, not just me. He was so aggressive and so unpredictable. Being in his company was like carrying a grenade without its pin. You never knew when he was going to explode. I remember, for example, him taking me to the supermarket. The bill was only six pounds and Peter handed over a