Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [102]
Once you have a handle on loving yourself, you can practice sharing that love with others. You’ve probably been taught to reserve the language of love for when you’re feeling overwhelmingly tender and passionate, and only for those who have made huge commitments to you. We recommend instead learning to recognize and acknowledge all the sweet feelings that make life worthwhile even when they don’t knock you over—and, moreover, learning to communicate those feelings to the people who inspire them.
EXERCISE Words of Love
Write one or more letters you are not going to send to one or more of your lovers telling them how you feel about them: what you love about them, how much you love them.
Freewrite for ten minutes: what’s embarrassing about telling people you love them?
You can decide later if you want to share any part of what you’ve written with anyone you love.
Ethics for the Single Slut
What are the rights and responsibilities of the single sexual partner? Start with rights; you have them, and you will need to assert them. Too often our culture sees the single partner as “secondary,” “outside,” “an affair,” a “home wrecker,” and your place in the ecology of any life or relationship or community is dismissed as inconsequential at best. What does a single person have to do to get taken seriously, in this community or any other? If you’re in this position, a good place to start thinking about rights and responsibilities would be with some respect, honor, and consideration for each person’s feelings—including your own.
THE RIGHTS OF THE SINGLE SLUT
You have the right to be treated with respect—you are not half a person just because you are single.
You have the right to have your feelings heard and respected and responded to.
You have the right to ask for anything you want—the person you ask may not have to give it to you, but you are definitely allowed to ask.
You have the right to have dates and plans honored, not changed by a third party simply because that person has seniority.
You have the right to chicken soup when you are sick, and whatever other emergency support you may need—rides to the emergency room, help when your car breaks down. Your lovers are your friends, and friends help each other when things go wrong.
You have the right to negotiate family holidays like Thanksgiving and weekends involving your own and your lovers’ children: you are a member of any family you are in relationship with. How this works may look different depending on the values of the family you’re connecting to, but you definitely have the right to ask for more than just being somebody’s dirty little secret.
You have the right to have limits and to set limits: what you will and will not do, what is and is not negotiable for your emotional well-being and personal ecology.
You have the right to not be blamed for problems in other people’s relationships.
You have the right to refuse to be a dumping ground for someone’s marital woes—you may not want to listen to how much your lover wants a divorce, and you shouldn’t have to.
You have the right to count. Everybody counts, including you.
You have the right to be valued and welcomed and respected as the wonderful human being that you are.
THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE SINGLE SLUT
You are responsible for developing and maintaining good solid boundaries. Boundaries, are, quite simply, how you can tell where you end and the next guy begins. Good boundaries are strong, clear, and flexible; bad boundaries are weak, foggy, and brittle.
You are responsible for making clear agreements. Make and keep agreements about time, about public and private behavior, and about courtesies in shared spaces. Always do what you say you are going to do.
You are responsible for being clear when what you want to say is “no.” Don’t waffle, and don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
You are responsible for carefully choosing who you confide in about your relationships.