Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [112]
When we expand our concept of what sex is, and let that be whatever pleases us today, we free ourselves from the tyranny of his hydraulics, the chore of getting her off, perhaps even birth control and barriers, if we decide that outercourse is perfectly good sex in and of itself.
Pleasure is good for you. So do what pleases you, and don’t let anybody else tell you what you ought to like, and you can’t go wrong.
Bringing Clean Love to Sex
Remember the clean love, in the moment and without expectations, that we talked about earlier in this book? It’s a skill you can bring to your sex life, and it’s based on getting present and accepting yourself.
Cast your mind back to your childhood, some time you remember being happy. Children are naturally adept at being in the moment. To recover that consciousness, take yourself to a park and investigate that interesting twig you’ve found in the interesting dirt. Go to a beach and take your shoes off. Wade at the water’s edge; how do your toes feel, in the grass, the sand, the surf? Dig a hole in the sand while the tide is coming in. Pay attention to your surroundings; pay attention to your experience.
Then pay that same rapt, joyous attention to your beloved; this will probably feel good. So do it some more—you are a nice person, so is your beloved, you both deserve to feel good.
Hands on skin is a great way to get into the present, into connection, and into love. Wash each other’s feet, find some lotion, and massage your lover’s feet. Take turns. Put aside future tripping: will this lead to sex? Who cares? The two of you are in the moment, feeling your feet.
Your authors are in no way opposed to the intense beauty of genital sex. But all of us need to work on paying attention to what we feel in the moment and to how that connects us to the people we love. We are not in the moment while we are planning the future. Too much wonderful sensual joy gets lost in projecting what will happen next. Learn to enjoy mystery, that little frisson up the spine when you realize that you’re on a path to something interesting. Follow that path and find out where it meanders; appreciate the miracle. Don’t miss the glories of the moment in your zeal to zoom up to the crotch like a superhighway, fast as ever you can. Efficiency is not what we’re looking for here and now.
The feet are relaxing, you hear a groan of ecstasy: should you slide your hand up that gorgeous leg? Oops! Let go of that and get back to those tender, sensitive feet. Nobody can relax and feel their feet if they’re worrying about what you are going to do next. When you bring your full attention to making those feet feel better than they have ever felt before, you’re in the moment and so is your partner, lost in the bliss of a tingling, creamy instep. And when you are through, reconnect in a lovely hug or a sweet cuddle, and then figure out what you two would like to do next.
Whatever that may be, vow to stay present with that too. Perfect presence and acceptance is an ideal, perhaps never to be perfectly achieved but transcendent even in the trying. It’s a joyous practice of letting go of what’s not needed right now, washing away all the grit and dust of your histories and expectations and opening yourself as completely as possible to meeting another person in the fullness of your open, waiting heart.
What Obstacles Do You Face?
Good sex seems as though it ought to be easy—but often, in our experience, it is not. Everything from ignorance to distraction can get in the way of responsible, enjoyable sex. Here’s our A-list of fun-spoilers:
SEX-NEGATIVE CULTURAL