Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [116]
The mythology has it that once you start having sex, it will all come naturally—and if it doesn’t, then you must have some deep-seated psychological problem, right? We’re not sure why sex stands alone in this regard. If you want to get good at anything else, from cooking to tennis to astrophysics, you’re going to have to put some effort and time into learning how. If you want to enjoy sex and to make sure your partners enjoy it too, you’re going to have to do the same thing.
One friend of ours had her first orgasm at the age of thirty-four, after reading for the first time in one of the sex manuals that became popular in the early 1970s that it was okay for her to masturbate—she’d grown up in the generation that was told masturbation would make you sick or crazy. This is a horrible story—how many years of orgasms did this woman miss because of bad information?
Whatever you do now you learned somewhere, somehow, so you can learn new or different sexual skills and habits if you choose. Learning requires some effort, but the rewards are great, and we know n you will be brave and persistent. Many of the books we recommend include exercises you can use to expand your sexual skills and your repertoire—try them.
TALK DIRTY
Talk to people about sex. Ask them about their experience, and share yours. Janet remembers seeing her first porno movies and feeling confounded because the women in them all masturbated face-up, and she wasn’t sure if she’d been doing it wrong all those years. She started asking her women friends and found that she was far from alone—not only in her face-down preference but also in her sense of uncertainty. Talk to your intimates and any friends or people you respect who are accessible to you. Breaking the ice can be scary at first, but establishing discussion about sex with your friends and lovers will be a valuable resource for all of you, well worth risking a few minutes of embarrassment as you get started. A friend of ours used to believe that she was the only person in the whole world whose cheeks got sore from sucking a big cock. Talking to a few friends let her know that she was in the majority. If you find you can’t talk intimately and explicitly about sex with your lovers, then how can you deal with a problem or try something new?
GOOD SEX STARTS WITH YOU
We mean this quite literally. When Masters and Johnson began their research into sexual functioning in the late 1950s, they wanted to start by learning about good sex before researching sexual dysfunction—so they started by selecting 382 men and 312 women, including 276 heterosexual couples, all of whom had satisfactory sex lives. One surprising fact they uncovered was that virtually all these sexually satisfied people masturbated—regardless of whether or not they were also having partnered sex.
Write this on your mirror: sexually successful people masturbate. You are not jerking or buzzing off because you are a loser, because you can’t find anyone to play with you, or because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You’re making love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good.
EXERCISE A Hot Date with Yourself
Set aside a couple of hours for this. Turn off the telephone, lock the front door, and get rid of any distractions. Then prepare as though you were preparing for a date with someone you were very excited about: put clean, soft sheets on the bed and place all your favorite sex toys near to hand. Next, take a steamy bubble bath with candles, or a luxurious shower and close shave, accompanied by soft, sexy music. Style your hair, perfume yourself, trim your nails, rub in lotion so your skin is soft and touchable all over. Slip into silk boxers or a sexy nightie. Have a glass of wine, if you like.
When you’re ready, turn the lights down flatteringly low and lie down. Tease yourself with soft, gentle touch all over, feeling your soft hands as though they were the touch of your perfect lover. Take your time. Tantalize yourself with lots of foreplay, using your hands,