Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [26]
Balancing triads can be challenging, as in any ménage à trois there are actually three couples, A & B, B & C, and C & A, and each of these relationships will be different. In a triad, as with the siblings of a family, all the relationships will not be at the same level at the same time; we’ve heard of lengthy arguments over which member of a triad should ride in the back seat of the car. If you get hung up on forcing these relationships to be exactly the same, you may hear yourself starting to sound like a small child screaming about why your sister got the biggest piece of cake (or, in our adult world, the first orgasm). In all forms of ethical sluthood, but perhaps especially in triads, it is vital to find ways to transcend competitiveness: there’s enough of everything for everybody.
Hierarchies and Alternatives
Many polyfolk like to use a hierarchical terminology to define their relationships: the people they live with in a marriage-like arrangement are “primaries,” the people they love but don’t live with are “secondaries,” the people they enjoy spending (often sexual) time with, but aren’t necessarily in love with, are “tertiaries.”
While this terminology is pervasive, and sometimes useful as a shorthand, we have some concerns about a system that inherently ranks the importance of the people in our lives. Janet says, “E is my life partner and Dossie is my coauthor. If I’m buying a house, E’s the most important; if I’m writing a book, Dossie is. Each of them has their own place in my life—why do I have to rank them?”
Circles and Tribes
“Circle” is a word we use for a set of connections between a group of people that actually might look more like a constellation, with some people near the hub and connected to several others, and others near the outside and connected to only one or two and, perhaps, part of another constellation as well. (We like the word “constellation” for this, because in a constellation, everybody gets to be a star!) These constellations may be casual or may become extended families, with provisions for raising children, making a living, taking care of the sick or aging, and purchasing property.
Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book Intimate Friendships, documented his observations that nonmonogamy tended toward the forming of what he described as kinship networks, communities bound together by the intimacies of their sexual connections, perhaps serving the same functions as villages did in a smaller world. Some of us have taken to referring to our groupings as tribes.
Circles of sexual friends are common—gay men call these friends “fuck buddies.” Such circles may be open and welcome new members, typically brought in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus changes from competition and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome, often very warm indeed.
Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with existing members. Closed circles are sometimes set up as a strategy for safety from HIV infection and other sexually transmitted conditions, and also to deal with alienation in an overpopulated world. In a closed circle, the notion is that you can play with anyone in the circle (all of whom have made agreements about safer sex and are all perhaps of known HIV status), but you don’t have sex with anyone outside the group. Thus you get to play around with a variety of relationships and still stay in a limited field. Such lifestyles are sometimes known as “polyfidelity.”
Public Sex
Sluts in any kind of relationship may enjoy group sex. Environments for orgies, party houses, sex clubs, swing houses, gay men’s baths, the tubs, or the glory holes are available in many major cities in a variety of forms and cater to all sexual preferences. We will tell you all about them in their own chapter. A group