Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [40]
Saying Yes, Saying No
If you’re going to put yourself out there and make connection with fellow sluts, it is vital that you get good at saying two simple little one-syllable words: “yes” and “no.” For most of us, who have been taught that “yes, please” is overeager and “no, thanks” is rude, these simple words may be unexpectedly difficult.
Sexual sophisticates tend to give each other a lot of credit for knowing what they want. With this assumption, it becomes easier for your potential partners to make very direct proposals that might seem outrageous in any other context; that’s because they trust you to say “no” if you’re not interested. It is nobody’s task but your own to figure out what you want, and nobody can or should second-guess you. So you are going to have to learn to say “no,” and to say “no” easily enough that having to turn down a couple of unwelcome come-ons won’t ruin your evening.
Men as well as women have trouble with “no”—men are taught that they are always supposed to be eager for sex, so if someone comes on to a man when he is not ready, or not interested, it can feel unmanly and wrong to say “no.”
The trick to a comfortable “no” is to structure it in such a way that it’s about you, not about them. So instead of “With you? Are you out of your mind?” you’re saying “No, thanks, you seem nice but I’m not feeling much connection with you,” or “No, thanks, I’m not really looking for lovers right now,” or “No, thanks, I prefer to get to know people a lot better before I do anything like that with them.” Important note: the “thanks” should be sincere. Being asked, even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you. If you think someone is ridiculous for finding you attractive, we worry about your self-esteem.
Women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say “no” directly. Ask yourself: when was the last time you said “no” to sex? How did you do it? Was it with a polite and friendly but unmistakable “no thanks”? Or was it with a sort of “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache” or “maybe another time” or “I’ll think about it” waffle? We strongly suggest you work out a “no thanks” that feels comfortable to you; expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your “maybe …” means “no” is neither ethical nor slutty.
Women also need to practice saying “yes.” Our cultural myth is that the man in a heterosexual interaction pleads with, or cons, or bullies the woman into saying “yes,” or at least refraining from saying “no,” and then does whatever he thinks is appropriate. Women need to equalize here, to do more of the choosing, to know what it is that you enjoy and to be able to say clearly what you want to whomever you find attractive. And if you are a man whose programming is more about what you think you are supposed to want than what you actually want, then you need to learn to say “yes” to your real desires when they appear on your doorstep.
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with “no,” “yes” is usually easier (and more fun). Try it, in all its variations: “Yes, please.” “Yes, when?” “Yes, but I have some limits I want to tell you about first.” “Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first.” “Yes, but not tonight; how does next Tuesday look for you?” “Hell, yes!”
EXERCISE Practicing Yes and No
Write down a little speech, maybe a few sentences, that you might use to invite someone to have sex with you. Write down another little speech you might use to decline sex in a polite and nonhurtful way.
The Fine Art of Flirting
Everybody is born knowing how to flirt, and if you doubt it, watch the way a baby or toddler interacts with nearby adults: lots of eye contact, smiles, maybe a chortle of welcome and the offer of a beloved toy (which must, according to the rules, be promptly handed back