Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [71]
Or after two days, maybe it will have become so easy that you won’t need a special script to come to an agreement. Remember, where emotions are concerned, time is your friend.
Writing It Out
Sometimes our feelings are so complicated that it seems impossible to deal with them in face-to-face conversation with our beloved. Under such circumstances, you may want to write a thoughtful letter, either snail mail or email, to let your honey know the entirety of your concerns in a measured way that can be absorbed and processed at the recipient’s own pace. This correspondence isn’t a substitute for actual conversation, but it can be a good precursor to it, a way to open up the discussion that may feel a bit safer to start.
It is vital, however, that you send this letter only after you’ve had time to think about it. The downside to correspondence is that it can’t convey all the fine points of communication—facial expression, body language, touch. The upside is, or should be, that a letter can be composed carefully, without undue emotional overload. If you click “Send” or drop the envelope into the mailbox before you’ve had a chance to think about its contents, you’re taking on all the downside without any of the upside.
Try writing a letter you’re not going to send, expressing all your feelings and concerns. Janet keeps letters like this in the “Drafts” folder of her email program; Dossie writes them in her word processor (which doesn’t have a Send button) and pastes them into an email later. Write out all your feelings, and then close the file and go do something else. Come back and add stuff, or edit things out, for a couple of days, and then check what you’ve written, making sure you’re owning your own stuff and using I-messages. We usually delete sentences that begin with the words “You shithead.” Later, when you can read the message and imagine your friend truly understanding whatever you are disturbed about, it’s time to send it.
We hope we do not have to remind you that your blog, or your MySpace page, or your private email list of a few dozen very intimate friends is not the place to rehearse this private correspondence. Struggle with it yourself—or, if that seems impossible, perhaps you can run it past one trusted friend, someone who would be acceptable to your lover too, to make sure you’re saying what you’re trying to say.
Dossie wrote such a letter recently to a lover of hers. She wrote the first draft at a time when she was terribly upset, on a Friday. She was busy over the weekend but managed to revisit her letter from time to time. By Monday, the issues were still there but, after some processing, seemed more manageable, so she called her friend on the phone and they talked … and resolved the issues quite easily and peacefully. The letter never got sent.
Owning What’s Yours
When you are willing to own your distress, it becomes possible for your lover to comfort you, to offer you reassurance and love, when things are hard. Even when you don’t agree about how you are going to handle an issue, you can still exchange love and comfort. We recommend that everyone be open about asking for reassurance, love, hugs, comfort, and stuff like that. Many of us grew up in families where we were taught not to ask for what we needed and were scorned, perhaps, as only wanting attention.
So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about starvation economies: Don’t shortchange yourself. You do not have to be content with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love. You get to have all the comfort and reassurance you want. You and your intimates can set yourselves up to share lots and lots and lots and in the process learn how much more you have to share than