Ethical Slut - Dossie Easton [89]
An important note: even people who are gorgeous or rich or busty or whatever don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their most attractive quality. Those who partner successfully with them often consider such qualities a happy bonus that has little or nothing to do with why they chose that person in the first place.
Where?
Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate, playmate, or lifemate of your dreams?
In the decade since we first wrote this book, the answer to that question has changed a great deal. “Polyamory” is now listed in the Oxford English Dictionary. Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles describing this strange new lifestyle. Support groups have sprung up in all major U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw connection-minded sluts from all over the world.
It is impossible to list here the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but we have listed a number of them in our Resource Guide. One small caveat: there are almost as many definitions of the word “polyamory” as there are people using it. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that whatever you’re doing (swinging, fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex, whatever) isn’t really polyamory: the most conservative definition of the term encompasses only long-term committed multipartner relationships. Our strategy for dealing with this issue is to smile sweetly and agree: “OK, what I’m doing isn’t polyamory by your definition.”
If, for whatever reason, the online polyamory community doesn’t feel like the right place for your quest, there are many options for seeking out other sluts in person. It is difficult to find sluts in dance clubs—the music is often too loud for an exchange of ideas or ambitions. Try searching the web for “ethical slut munch” or “polyamory munch” in your area, and meet some people who like to get together and talk about the lifestyle. We find a lot of ethical sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative Anachronism and other historical re-enactment groups, and know that many Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science fiction conventions or live action role-playing game groups. If your sluttery has a spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t make any untoward assumptions.)
Another good place to look can be in workshops, seminars, and gatherings that have to do with human sexuality or intimacy. While cruising is, understandably, not allowed at some of these activities (people baring their souls are doing difficult work that can be disturbed by having to be on guard against unwanted advances), graduates often go on meeting socially long after the actual session is over. There are also several regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy, and these are attended by many kindred slutty spirits.
When you go to events where you can expect to meet like-minded folk, you will usually need to invest a little time in becoming a member of the group you are visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you want to cruise. Make as many friends as you can, and people will start to trust you. One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal opposite number, and make friends with them. If they are like you, they probably