Everlasting - Iris Johansen [49]
She shook her head. “I want to be alone.” She smiled shakily. “You distract me too. I'll try not to be long.” She started away and then turned back to them. “It's not that I don't know how good you've both been to me. It's just that I feel as I did the other night when Paulo ruffled my hair and called me a child. I can't let that…” She made a helpless little movement with one hand and turned away again. “I'll be back soon.”
It was dusk when Kira came down from the hill. She had watched the piercing blue of the sky turn to the blazing scarlet of sunset and then fade to the gentle violet of twilight. She had felt the warmth of the Indian summer afternoon cool to autumn evening chill, and still she had sat under the beech tree lost in thought.
Zack and Marna were alone at the saldana when she walked into camp. The evening camp-fire had been lit and the pungent smell of coffee drifted to her.
Marna glanced up from her cup. “You haven't had anything to eat since lunch. I've made a stew.”
“I'm not hungry. I'll take some coffee, though,” Kira said as she strolled over to the fire and plopped down on the sheepskin pallet beside Zack. She crossed her legs tailor-fashion and took the tin cup Marna handed her. Marna returned to her stool on the other side of the fire and picked up her own cup again.
Kira felt their concern as she took a sip of the strong, hot coffee and looked up with a half-comical grimace. “I feel like Moses coming down from the mountain with the ten commandments. I didn't mean to be that pretentious when I stalked off. I haven't made any philosophical discoveries that will shake the world.” She paused. “Except perhaps my own.”
“And ours,” Zack said quietly. “Everything you do and say and think are very important to us. Did it help, Kira?”
“Yes, it did help.” She cradled her cup in her hands as she gazed into the fire. “For one thing, I decided I had no right to be upset with either one of you. If you manipulated me, it was because I let myself be manipulated. I've made a habit of acting impulsively. I relied on you, Marna, to do my thinking.” She met Marna's gaze across the camp-fire. “No mature adult would let herself be sent to a stranger with instructions ‘to do whatever was necessary.’ I was so accustomed to relying on you and believing you were always right that I merely followed your instructions without questioning them.” She held up her hand as Marna would have interrupted. “I don't say that I wouldn't have done it if I'd stopped to consider. There's a good chance I would have acted in exactly the way I did. But I would have known it was my choice, the choice of an independent individual.” She paused as if searching for words. “You see, I've always played at being independent with my little defiances, but I've never been willing to take that extra step into true independence.” She laughed shakily. “I was frightened, I guess. As long as I was an irresponsible child I didn't have to commit myself totally to anything or anyone. Well, I've decided I can't live that way anymore. I have to assume the responsibilities that go along with love.”
She set her cup down and spread her hands on her knees, her fingers flexing nervously. She drew a deep breath. “I love you, Marna, and I'm going to keep on loving you until the day I die. You're going to be a part of me for the rest of my life. I don't give a damn what you think the mondava is going to do to our relationship. I know myself and I know my love for you isn't going to change… except to grow stronger maybe.” She turned to Zack. “And I love you too. I've never told you before. We've all been so concerned with this mondava business that we've ignored the basics.”
Zack smiled faintly. “I'd say you couldn't get much more basic than the mondava.”
She met his eyes directly. “Yes, you could. There's always a plain old-fashioned declaration of undying devotion. Which you haven't made, by the way. I think there are several people around here besides me who have a few problems.” She made an impatient gesture with one hand. “We'll address