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WHAT TO DRINK WITH WHAT

What What to drink with it

Simply-flavoured dishes, hot or cold. Mild cheeses of the English variety Inexpensive clarets like Côtes de Bourg, Côtes de Blaye, Côtes de Fronsac

Beef, lamb, pork, game, poultry, any full-blooded stuff. Stronger cheeses. Pâté. Stews Givry, Fixin, Dôle, Monthélie, Old Algerian, Mercurey, Morgon, Moulin-à-Vent, Cornas, Lirac, Gigondas, Châteauneuf du Pape, Hermitage, Côte Rôtie, Crozes-Hermitage, St Joseph

Eggs and bacon, eggs and chips, baked beans and sausages Any of the above, also beer, cider, Guinness, Scotch and water without ice (first-rate)

Hot and cold meats, picnic meals, or nothing at all Any of the wines listed as going with beef, lamb, pork, etc., plus beaujolais, Beaujo-lais illages, Fleurie, Brouilly, Chiroubles

Soups Sherry, Madeira if you’re feeling fancy, or the end of your apéritif provided it doesn’t contain hard liquor

Oysters Chablis, Muscadet, Guinness, Black Velvet

Fish and chips Guinness

Curry Beer, cider, or try a tough red chianti

Cold dishes, fish, shellfish, salads, picnics Puligny Montrachet, Meursault, Alsace Riesling or Sylvaner, Tokay d’Alsace, Tavel Rosé (if you must), Sancerre, Pouilly Fumé, Pouilly Fuissé, a non-pricey hock or moselle

Shellfish, jellied eels, cold meats Gewurtztraminer, Traminer

Vichyssoise, melon, before lunch Muscat d’Alsace, Piesporter, Zeltinger

Salads, shellfish, cold buffet Beaujolais Rosé chilled

Hot dishes not heavily spiced Beaujolais Rosé at room temperature

Desserts, fresh fruit, especially peaches Quarts de Chaumes, Châteaux Rieusses and Climens, Sauternes, Barsac

Fondue Neuchâtel will help you to force it down

Anything, everything or nothing Champagne N.V.

ABROAD

I AM NOT referring to places like Paris, where you can drink as safely as anywhere in the world, and as enjoyably too if you have £25 per day to spend on drink alone and are slow to react to insolence and cheating; nor do I mean the wine-producing areas of France or Germany, where all you need is a couple of spare livers; I mean places more apparently uncivilized, off the more remorselessly beaten-up sections of the track.

1. The presence of a labelled bottle surrounding a wine guarantees nothing. You will do as well, or as ill, and more cheaply, with the stuff out of the barrel. If you can find out what the locals go for, choose that. (A sound general rule for eats as well.)

2. Faced with a choice between bad or untrustworthy red wine on the one hand, and ditto white on the other, pick the red. In Greece, where what red there is is often sweet, pick the resinated rather than the unresinated white.

3. Smell the stuff carefully before drinking. This is not empty winemanship; the object is merely to make sure it smells of wine, and not of decaying cabbages, damp blankets, musty corks or vinegar. Not all these non-winey danger signals are unpleasant in themselves; also be on your guard against a whiff of almond or pear-drops.

4. If the red strikes you as thick, dark and heavy, feel no shame in cutting it with the local bubbly mineral water; worth trying in parts of Italy and Spain. And/or add ice. Nay, stare not so; we are not talking about vintage burgundy. The cheaper Portuguese reds are better iced, as the locals know.

5. If you still quail, try the beer. It will arrive too cold, and will often not be very nice, but I have never heard of positive harm being done by it.

6. Those with upset guts should avoid both wine and beer. Even at their best, they irritate the large intestine. No spirit does, but stick to brands you know. Spirits made abroad are suspect, apart from brandies, fruit brandies like slivovitz and calvados, and one or two oddities like Lisbon gin. I remember, not very well, an encounter with Yugoslav Scotch . . .

7. The cautious should look narrowly at all sparkling wines, except genuine French champagne, and at all sweet drinks. Still, one small glass cannot do you much harm; indeed, with some of those sparklers one sip is enough—so be even warier of ordering a whole bottle.

8. Gin