Execution Dock - Anne Perry [72]
“No. No, I paid more than I owed, because I wanted to be comfortable,” Oliver said with sudden lacerating honesty. “It was to Margaret's father, because I wanted to please her.”
“At Hester's expense?”
Oliver knew why his father had asked that, and exactly why the hurt was there in his voice. Henry had always liked Hester better. He tried to hide it. He was fond of Margaret, and would have been kind to any woman Oliver had married. But Margaret could never make him laugh as Hester had, nor would he feel comfortable enough with her to argue for fun, or tell long, rambling tales of gentle adventure and dry humor. Margaret had dignity and grace, morality and honor, but she had not Hester's intelligence, nor her passion. Was she less, or more vulnerable?
Henry was watching his son closely. He saw the change in his eyes. “Hester will survive anything you can do to her, Oliver,” he said. “That is not to say that she may not be hurt.”
Oliver remembered Hester's face as she had stood in the witness box, the pain and surprise on it. She had not expected him to do such a thing, either to her or to Monk.
“Guilt?” Henry asked him. “Or fear that you have forfeited her good opinion of you?”
That was the crux of it. He was startled at how sharply it cut. He had frayed a tie that had been part of his happiness for a long time. He was not sure if it would eventually break altogether.
“She asked me if I knew where the money to pay me had come from,” he said aloud. “And how it had been earned.”
“Do you?”
“I know who paid it to me, of course, but I don't know who his client is, or why he should wish the accused man to be defended. And since I don't know who Ballinger's client is, naturally I don't know where the money came from.” He looked at the floor. “I suppose I'm afraid it could be the accused man's own money, and I certainly know how that was made, by extortion and pornography.”
“I see,” Henry said quietly. “What is the decision you have to make?”
Oliver looked up. “I beg your pardon?”
Henry repeated the question.
Oliver thought for several moments. “Actually, I'm not sure. Perhaps there is no decision, except how I am going to come to terms with myself. I defended the man, and I took the money for it. I can't give it back. I could donate it to some charitable cause, but that doesn't undo anything. And if I am remotely honest, it wouldn't salve my conscience either. It smacks of hypocrisy.” He smiled very slightly, a small, self-mocking gesture. “Perhaps I simply wanted to confess. I wanted to not feel alone in my sense of having done something vaguely questionable, something I think I may well be increasingly unhappy about.”
“I believe so, Henry agreed. To admit that you are unsatisfied is a step forward. It takes far less energy to confess an error than it does to keep trying to hide it. Would you like another glass of Medoc? We might as well finish the bottle. And the pie too, if you care to. I think there is a spot more cream.”
Rathbone arrived home quite late and was startled to find Margaret still up. He was even more surprised, unpleasantly so, to realize that he had counted on her being asleep, so that any explanation of his absence could be put off until the following morning. By that time he would be in a hurry to leave for his office, and could avoid the subject again.
She looked tired and anxious, yet she was trying to conceal it. She was worried because she did not know what to say to him.
He knew it, and wanted to touch her, tell her that such worries were superficial and of no lasting importance, but it seemed an unnatural thing to do. He realized with a jarring loneliness that they did not know each other well enough, intimately enough, to overcome such reservations of the mind.
“You must be tired,” she said a little stiffly. “Have you had supper?”
“Yes, thank you. I dined with my father.” Now he would have to find an explanation as to why he had gone to Primrose Hill without taking her. He could not tell her