Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [154]
5
Gary received a letter from a woman in Nevada who wrote she was 27 years old, divorced, five feet five inches tall, a little on the plump side.
"Please feel free to ask me anything that is on your mind, because I am quite broad minded, and nothing will shock me either. I am a red-blooded American female, and definitely enjoy it too, and of course, I like sex, attention, a lot of affection, and like to do just about anything that is connected with the opposite sex for sure." Gary sent the letter to Nicole who wrote him back right away to say it was like a slap in the face.
She couldn't believe how angry she became at this woman. Underneath all the talk of how much she loved Gary, she had to be really crazy about him. Never felt jealousy like this for another man. It was so bad, she decided she had to see him right that minute.
Only it was a bummer. Hitchhiking over to the nuthouse, the whole day got lost. First, she couldn't find a sitter for the kids. Then, when she finally got a ride to the hospital, they told her he had been returned to the jail that very morning. It wouldn't be visiting day over there. Nicole wanted so much to hear his voice, however, that she walked all the way across town from the nuthouse, and stood outside by the wire fence in back and hollered, "Gary Gilmore, can you hear me!" She shouted it loud as she could. Just about, she heard a voice call back, "Yeah, babe."
"YEAHI" she cried out.
Then she screamed for all the world to hear, "Gary Gilmore I love you!"
A cop came around the building and told her she'd have to leave. She could be arrested for doing something like that. It surprised her. She didn't know they could keep you from expressing yourself that way. She hollered out to Gary that she had to go, and took off. But she felt a whole lot better.
Aug. 20
Hey baby the most beautiful thing just happened to me. I just heard a magic elf's voice holler, "Gary Gilmore, can you hear me? I love you!" Well I love you too! Boy, oh boy, do I love you! Nicole-you amaze me. You are absolutely wonderful. I just don't have words to say how great you make me feel. You make me cry happy tears.
6
Sat. Aug. 21
I went to sleep for awhile this afternoon and I woke up feeling that clear cold thing that I hate so much. It's more than a feeling-it's a sort of knowledge. Like a total awareness of being in a box and it's bright daylite outside and the whole world is going on without me.
August 24
What will I meet when I die? The Oldness? Vengeful ghosts? A dark gulf? Will my spirit be flung about the universe faster than thought? Will I be judged and sentenced, as so many churches would have us believe? Will I be called to and clutched at by lost spirits?
Will there be nothing? . . . Just an end? . . . I can't even picture the concept of nothing-I don't think that "nothing" exists. There is no such thing as "nothing." There is always something-some energy. But how long a journey is death? Is it instantaneous? Does it take minutes, hours, weeks? What dies first the body of course-but then does the personality slowly dissolve? Are there different levels of death-some darker and heavier than others, some brighter and lighter, some more and some less material?
Nicole, I believe we always have a choice. And I choose, that when I die, or change form, or whatever best describes this thing called death, I choose that I wait for you, that I meet you, that I find you-the part of my heart and soul I have sought for so long-the only real love I've ever known. Then we will know. We'll know everything that we know now but can't consciously recall.
You said that girl's letter was like a slap in the face-Baby, Baby, I didn't mean anything like that when I gave it to you! I just thought I'd let you read it. Guess I wasn't thinking, huh?! I'm not gonna write to her. You're the only girl in my life Angel. I wouldn't take a thousand girls for you.
August 25
Maybe when you get your next check you could get me a