Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [161]
This guy was a roulette wheel, decided Gibbs. Just depended which number came up. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life," said Gilmore from the upper bunk, "and a great many errors in judgment the last couple of months, but this I will say, Gibbs. I am in my element now. I have never misjudged a person who has done time."
"I hope you have a favorable impression of me."
"I believe you are a good convict," said Gilmore.
On that high praise, no higher praise, they went to sleep. It was three in the morning. They would bullshit until three every morning.
5
September 9
I'm not a weak man. I've never been a punk, I've never been a rat, I've always fought-I ain't the toughest son of a bitch around but I've always stood up and been counted among the men. I've done a few things that would make a lot of motherfuckers tremble and I've endured some shit that nobody should have to go thru. But what I want you to understand, little girl, is that you hold my heart and along with my heart I guess you have the power to crush me or destroy me. Please don't. I have no defense for what I feel for you.
I can't share you with any other man or men Nicole. I'd rather be dead and burning in some hell than have any other man be with you.
I can't share you-I want all of you-I have to go without fucking, you can too. Sorry to be crude but that's true. We love each other and belong to each other let's don't ever hurt each other Nicole let's don't ever hurt each other.
This pain paralyzes me. I keep thinking of you being with somebody. I can't help it. I have to chase the ugly pictures out of my mind. I don't want anybody to kiss you or hold you or fuck you. You're mine I love you.
You said on the last page of your letter that I will not have reason to hurt that way ever again I'm 35 fucking years old been locked up more than half my life. I should be a tough son of a bitch, all the things that have happened to me.
But I can't take being away from you-I miss you every minute.
And I cannot stand the thought of some man holding your naked body and watching your eyes roll back sleeping in your arms.
I can't share you-l won't. You've got to be all mine. l don't care that you say you have this crazy heart that won't let you refuse any request to make another happy. I have a crazy heart too. And my crazy heart makes a request of your crazy heart-don't refuse my request to be only mine in heart mind soul and body. Let me be the next and only man to have you.
God I want you baby baby baby
fuck only me
don't fuck anybody else dont dont it kills me dont kill me
Am I demanding too much??
Write and tell me—
TELL ME TELL ME
GODDAMN IT
TELL ME
Fuck shit piss God Nicole
Tell me.
Wednesday and Sunday are too far apart-why don't you write me morel?
Nicole don't be with anybody else dont dont dont dont dont I'm really fucking this letter up I've got to come to a conclusion and this is it. I've got to have all of you! With nobody can I share you. I love you.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
No, I ain't drunk or loaded or nothing this is just me writing this letter that lacks beauty-just me Gary Gilmore thief and murderer. Crazy Gary. Who will one day have a dream that he was a guy named GARY in 20th century America and that there was very wrong . . . but what was it and is it why things are so super shitty, to the max, as they used to say in 20th century Spanish Fork. And he'll remember that there was something very beautiful too in that long ago Mormon mountain Empire and he'll begin to dream of a dark red haired sort of green eyed elfin fox whose eyes rolled back and could swallow all of his cock and who laughed and cried with him and didn't care that his teeth were fucked up forever and who taught him how to fuck girls again instead of his hand and pictures in Playboy.
Next night, they put a girl in the same tank where the drunk had been. She was also crying and Gary hollered over, Hey, sister, it can't be all that