Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [210]
Later, she heard that Gaylen had died, and Bessie took on the costs of two guards' bringing Gary to the funeral. The officers were decent and dressed in regular clothes and stood way back. Nobody knew Gary was in custody. Afterward, Bessie went over personally and paid the guards while she was thanking them.
Chapter 31
WILD WIND BLOWING
October 7th
Angel Nicole.
I'm at the joint now. Just got here. I seem to be in the hole. A single cell with a fucked up mattress, no pillow and somebody else's dirty paper plates on the floor . . . They gave me a pair of white coveralls to wear and I hate to wear coveralls. Too tite in the crotch.
What is to become of us Nicole? I know you wonder. And the answer is simply: By love . . . we can become more than the situation.
Nicole my inclination is to let them execute me. If I were to drop the appeals they would be forced to either commute the sentence or carry it out. I don't think they would commute it.
The decision is not really mine alone to make. I cannot ask you to commit suicide. I thot at one time that I could but I can't. If I am executed and you do commit suicide well to be simply honest I guess that is what I would want.
But Im not going to put it on you by asking you to do that.
October 8th
This morning they brought me a pillow. Wow! I'm shittin in tall cotton now!
I was given a brief rundown on the place by a lieutenant and a caseworker. I asked them about visits and they said that you would be able to see me. Even though we are not legally married you will be able to visit me. One hour a week on Friday morning between 9 and 11 o'clock. Listed you on the visiting form as NICOLE GILMORE (BARRETT) and under "Relationship" I put common law wife-fiancee. I would like you to use my name but of course your identification says Barrett-and they will probably ask you for I.D.
October 9th
I don't know if I've told you of my feelings of the Civil War before-I probably have. You won't be surprised anyway to know that all of my sympathies lie with the South. And its as strong a pull as that I feel for the Emerald Isle.
Right or Wrong, they Believed-toward the end that's all they had to fight on, belief and courage. They were out of supplies-out of food and ammunition and the things it takes to fight a war. But they almost won. They came within a hair of winning that most bloody of wars.
"When Honest Abe heard the news about your fall, The folks thot he'd threw a great victory ball, But he asked the band to play Dixie, for you Johnny Reb-and for all that you believed-You fought all the way Johnny Reb, Johnny Reb, You fought all the way."
Oh well, its one of the things in history that appeal to me, like also the Alamo.
October 11
I wrote to my mother Friday after she called me here. I have never before spoken to my mother in the way that I talked to her two days ago. Although the feeling between my mom and I runs deep it has always been expressed in surface tones. Anyhow, I told my mom of the love you and I have for each other. I told her that I can't and don't want to explain just what happened that resulted in this. I did tell her that thru a lifetime of lonely frustration I have allowed weak bad habits to develop that have left me somewhat evil. That I don't like being evil and that I desire to not be evil anymore.
Oh, Nicole, there comes a time where a person must have the courage of their convictions. You know I've spent about 18 years of my 35 locked up. I've hated every moment of it but I've never cried about it. I never will. But I am tired of it, Nicole. I hate the routine, I hate the noise, I hate the guards, I hate the hopelessness it makes me feel, that anything and everything I do is just to pass the time.
Prison maybe affects me more than most people. It drains me.
Every time I've been locked up I guess I've felt so hopeless about it that I've allowed myself to sink so fully into it that, well, its resulted in me spending more time in jail than I've probably had