Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [217]
October 26
Remember the nite we met? I had to have you, not just physically but in all ways, forever-there was a wild wind blowing in my heart that nite.
It will remain forever the most beautiful nite of my life. I love you more than God. I'm glad you understand the way I mean that Angel. It still feels a little awkward to say. But I mean no offense to anything by a statement like that. I just love you more than anything-I think God would smile. In one of your early letters you talk of climbing in my mouth and sliding down my throat with a strand of your hair to mend the worn spot in my stomach. You write good.
Last Friday you told me you would like us each to think of the other at a certain hour of the day, that we might become closer. But I never know what time it is here. I can't see a clock and I just have a general idea of the time. I know they feed at about 6 or 7 or so in the morn and about 11 or 12 for lunch and around 4 for dinner but I don't even know if that's always the same-they might rotate and feed one section first one day and another-the next. Fuck, in short I just don't know what time it is.
Now darlin we come to something that can't be avoided discussing.
The rest of your life. I don't want any man to have you. I don't want any man to have you in any way but especially I don't want any man to steal any part of your heart.
If I was to look from the other side and see another man with you I can't say right now what I would do.
I believe that I would seek a way to have my soul, my very being, extinguished forever from existence.
!f a thing like that is not possible I would consider hurtling my soul into the center of the planet Uranus, that most evil of places, that I might become forever such that I could not change.
October 28
Baby I would love to be able to meditate. I already can to some degree. I do, but not real deeply, you know? Even when it's quiet there's always the expectation of noise. I know you can get the right answer to anything through meditation, but I ain't, because of my surroundings, very deep into it. It's more than the noise, you just can't let yourself go in a place like this-there is an atmosphere of tension, a climate of violence, in prison-all prisons-and it's in the air. Lot of paranoid motherfuckers in these places and they walk around putting out negative, hostile paranoid vibes.
I like it a lot that you meditate. I don't know if I'm too crazy about the automatic writing. I think with things like automatic writing, Ouija boards, it's possible to open doors that are better not opened. I think that there are many lonely lost forlorn spirits seeking an inroad into a human mind. All spirits are not benevolent. Many are merely lonely, but many are malevolent, too.
Baby, if you mess with spirits you must beware, i ain't trying to sound dark and foreboding and I don't know just how I know this as certainly as I do, but I do know that you got to remain in control.
You gotta be stronger than the thing that you are communicating with. Weigh carefully the "Messages" you receive, and if after a while you begin to feel a pull, something that ain't right, if it makes you feel sad or strange or in some way not good-then you should back off. Like about everything else in life, you gotta remain in control. Be strong, don't fear.
Baby, I don't know just what happens when you die except that it will be familiar. It's just an awful strong feeling I have-it's something I've thought of, known really, for years. The thing about dying is that you gotta remain in control. Don't be sidetracked by lonely forlorn spirits who call to you as you pass by-they may even reach and clutch.
Whenever this does occur to us we must each keep the other in mind. Somehow, Angel eyes, this is one of those things that I KNOW.
When you die you will be free as never before in life-be able to travel at a tremendous speed just by thinking of some place you will be there. It's a natural thing and you adjust-it's just consciousness unencumbered by body.
Hey, this guy next door to me lets the