Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [239]
Having done college journalism, she was used to a police beat, but in Court, Nicole sure captured her attention.
When they brought Gilmore into the room, shuffling along in leg shackles, there was this girl sitting in the front row and he stopped in front of her, and kissed, and Tamera knew it had to be his girl friend.
She even heard him say, "I love you." Tamera found herself having this immediate empathy with the girl. Gilmore didn't look anything really overpowering right then, just a regular criminal, hard looking, almost sleazy, with a marked-up face. Tamera felt humiliated for him in leg manacles, walking in short jerky steps like he was a spavined monster or something, but it was the girl who drew her, in fact, absolutely fascinated her by those looks. She had a kind of mystique about her, a sky glow, Tamera thought, like an old movie star. The drama of it came right over Tamera. There's another woman in the story besides the widows, she said to herself.
After Court, Tamera hung in the background and watched Gary kiss Nicole goodbye. Then, on the street, she watched Nicole wave until he was completely out of sight. You could tell she'd gotten herself all fixed up for him because she was wearing a long dress that was kind of old-fashioned and demure. Tamera, watching, felt so tall and gawky and dirty blond that she kept going "Oh, oh," to herself, you know, at how beautiful Nicole was. She even waited until Nicole was clear into her car. Then Tamera couldn't stand it anymore. Just had a compelling need to talk, and ran across the street to do it.
At the time, it had nothing to do with a story. Gilmore was a routine case. Tamera just wanted Nicole to know somebody cared. In a town like Provo, everybody took the side of the victims.
At the car, she said, "My name is Tamera Smith and I work for the Deseret News and I'd like to talk. Not for a story, but as friends. I wonder if you'd like to get some coffee. You must have a lot on your mind right now." Nicole hesitated, then said, yeah, she'd like that, so they got in her car, which drove in the most awful way, never knew which gear it would go into, and Nicole mentioned it had been in an accident two days ago, and they went down to Sambo's and talked.
The girls told each other about themselves, in fact, Tamera found herself rattling away at a great rate. She was amazed how soon she told Nicole that her father had died years ago and it had left this hunger inside herself ever since, this terrible empty space that kept her restless all the time. Then she told how she used to write to a guy in prison, and her brothers and sisters, who were all as active Mormons as you could find, had been terribly upset. But the fellow had been wonderful, and she'd even gone to visit him in a Kentucky prison. That certainly opened Nicole up.
All the while Tamera was enraptured. It wasn't that Nicole was a striking beauty, yet she was. She had such an air of calm. It was like sitting on the back porch for all of a hot July afternoon, just that long calm feeling. From the stories Nicole was telling, Tamera figured she had to have a big temper, but she was so serene that day.
When they said goodbye, Tamera passed over her telephone number, and said, "If you ever need help, I'd be glad to see you."
That was it. The newspaper didn't assign her to the trial in October and she had no more to do with the case. Went her separate way. Almost forgot.
Now, at J.B.'s, hey, wow, maybe there was nobody near to her that Nicole could trust, but she sure let the floodgate go. Right over those milkshakes, she told Tamera she was planning suicide. Told it straight up with all those deaths hanging on her, Kip, her grandfather, Gary soon. Tamara could see she was afraid.
What made Tamera want to cry was that Nicole was waiting out her death date just like Gilmore. When she was around him it was all right, she said, and she wasn't afraid because Gary had a vision of what life would be like after death, but when she got away, it was frightening again. The on-again off-again must be