Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [253]
That's it.
NICOLE K. BAKER
There were a lot of pills and she took them slowly, swallowing one or two at a time, being careful not to gag. If she threw up, the whole thing would be blown. In the middle, she started having a lot of thoughts. She remembered the guy from the television station in Boston who was going to pay the $2,000 and worried whether he would honor it now when she was gone. Without it, where would April get the money for her hospital? She was also thinking that he had said he would be here in the morning and what if she didn't answer his ring? Would he come in? If she wasn't departed by then, they might revive her. So she had to decide whether or not to lock the door.
She didn't want anybody to be able to walk in. Yet if they had to break the door, that noise could terrify Jeremy. On the other hand, if the door wasn't locked, Jeremy could open it with no trouble and wander out in the morning. Kathy Maynard might pick him up, carry him back and discover her too soon. Finally, Nicole turned the latch.
Still, that made her miserable, thinking of Jeremy moping around tomorrow looking at her.
Now she was taking three or four Seconal at a time with water, and Gary was sitting with her. There weren't even seconds these days that she did not think of him. But, now he was very near and she began to think of how soon she would be with him and how she trusted him and was not afraid. Then she thought of lying down without her clothes on, and wondered what to do about that. She did not want to die with her clothes on, that was for sure. But she did feel strange about taking them off. Reporters might come in the morning and look at her body.
As she got into bed, she took a picture of Gary and put it under the pillow and held on to it with her hand, and felt a little extra naked tonight. Then the pills started to feel good. She felt it really coming on. Got out of bed and walked around a little just to have that good feeling of her legs moving in one nice floating feeling after the other.
It was awful nice, as if she were learning to walk for the first time, and her legs started to get heavy. She lay down and held onto the picture of Gary again, and thought of the letter she had written in the ten minutes before she took the pills. Reading over the Last Will and Testament and the letter how to dispose of her furniture, she decided there had been nothing very personal, truly, to her mother and family. So she'd written an additional letter, and she was thinking of that, and of Kathy Maynard next door who was the nicest neighbor she'd ever had, an angel and a stand-up neighbor. Then that very last letter began to swim around her mind and Nicole went to sleep.
i Love him.
i made my own choice.
i'll not regret it.
Please Love my kids always, as they are part of the family.
Never hid truths from them.
When any of you need me, i will be there to listen for i and Gary-and yourselves-are all a part of a wondrous good understandin God.
May this parting bring us closer in Loveing, understanding and expecting of one another.
i Love You All SISSY
Mon. Nov. 5, 1976
Mom, Dad, Rik, April, Mike, Angel
-Everybody knows that i Love and Care for You.
Please do not resent my leaving this life.
I'm not trying to hurt anyone-if I could spare you all any pain-surely would.
But i just go. Because i want to so bad.
Wanting a thing like that-and not granting it to myself-would surely turn me into some bitter ugly old maid in just a matter of time-or possibly I would lose my sanity.
I think you all pretty much understand about me and Gary. if you don't well time will tell all.
i Love him. More than life and more than that.
And i Love you all very much. i could never have asked for a better family. We've been over a few rough spots a time or two-but i hope that any wrong i've done anyone will be forgiven me as easy as i forgive.
i don't want to talk anymore, i'm sorry i should have written this