Executioner's Song, The - Norman Mailer [466]
Of course, sometimes the interviews went slowly. She would admit the most amazing matters, told him about Uncle Lee almost as soon as they started, but little admissions would bother her a lot and she would be embarrassed by the oddest things. Sometimes Schiller would have to wrestle with her most astonishing reluctance to provide a detail he considered trivial.
SCHILLER Now open the crack in the door a little bit, (long pause)
NICOLE I can't, Larry.
SCHILLER You can talk about murder, you can talk about Gary choking you, you can talk about Uncle Lee molesting you, and you can't talk about Barrett fucking around with your head?
NICOLE Yeah, I could probably. But I can't just say specific things that he said.
SCHILLER Why not? (long pause) Is Barrett holier than thou?
NICOLE (laughs) Fuck you, Larry. I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not going to say what I don't want to say.
SCHILLER You're just doing that to prove that you're stronger than me, that's all.
NICOLE No, I'm not doing that to prove anything.
SCHILLER Yes, you are.
NICOLE I'm doing it because it embarrasses me.
SCHILLER How can you be embarrassed with me? Now come on. Do you want me to turn off the fucking tape recorder? Is that what's embarrassing you? I don't understand how you can be embarrassed with me. I really don't.
NICOLE Good. You never will. (pause)
SCHILLER Come on, I've got to understand this. I've got to have an example of it. Because it comes up all the time. Come on, don't play games with me. Come on.
NICOLE (laughs) Oh, God. (whispers)
SCHILLER "Oh, God," come on.
NICOLE Larry, I'm trying. I can't say it, all right? I'm really trying. I can't. Forget it.
SCHILLER I'm not going to forget it. I'm not going to forget it.
NICOLE Okay. Another time.
SCHILLER I need to know it this time. Not another time. Give me one example. I mean you're off there in Midway because of what Barrett did with your goddamned head.
NICOLE (laughs) I didn't say Barrett was the cause of anything that happened on Midway.
SCHILLER No, you didn't say he was the cause. You said he made you feel a certain way. By things he said to you.
NICOLE Yes.
SCHILLER Don't give me that smile. (laughs) Don't give me that smile. You're looking out there, you know. And then you turn around and give me that little smile.
NICOLE (laughs) I'm laughing at you.
SCHILLER What?
NICOLE I'm laughing at you.
SCHILLER 'Cause I'm so naive?
NICOLE No.
SCHILLER 'Cause I don't have the experience to fantasize or imagine?
NICOLE No, it has nothing to do with that. It's that you don't give up and you keep sneaking back.
SCHILLER I'm a little sneak, right?
NICOLE Yes, sometimes. (long pause)
SCHILLER You were fucking around. What got you fucking around on Midway?
NICOLE (long sigh; longer pause; another sigh; still more pause-chuckling to herself) Whatever got me fucking around I don't know, but there's one thing I know, I've always known it and I just haven't even thought about it for quite a while. (pause) I got into this cycle or something of picking up guys that either had never had a piece of ass or guys that were . . . you know, that hadn't had a . . .
SCHILLER Good lay?
NICOLE Yeah.
SCHILLER Right.
NICOLE Just there staying away from good-looking guys, guys that looked like they could get just about any sweet piece of ass they wanted.
SCHILLER Right. And you went after the guy that looked like he hadn't gotten laid or never had a good piece.
NICOLE Right.
SCHILLER And what was the motive?
NICOLE (long sigh) Goddammit, you're the shrink. No, you're not, right, I know it, I know it.
SCHILLER What was the motive?
NICOLE You just ask me so I'll tell you. It's really obvious to you, though, isn't it?
SCHILLER No, so help me God, it's not.
NICOLE I can't believe that.
SCHILLER It's the truth, kid. So help me.
NICOLE Aw, that innocent voice.
SCHILLER 'Cause if I knew . . . (laughs) Now just listen to me, Nicole.