Expendable - James Alan Gardner [107]
“What about Jelca?”
“That he’s become such a prick. I know you used to like him.”
“That was just a schoolgirl thing,” I muttered.
“He liked you too,” she said. “When he and I were partners on the Hyacinth, he talked about you. A bit. He never opened up, but I think he regretted…you know, not seeking you out. But he didn’t understand why you ran from that second date, and he was too proud to chase after a freshman…. Well, too proud, too shy, what’s the difference? Testosterone, one way or the other. But he did think about you after.”
I shrugged. “That was a long time ago.”
“Sure.” She regarded me sympathetically. “I saw the look on your face when he and Oar left together….”
“I didn’t have a look on my face.”
Ullis blinked several times. Maybe she was doing it on purpose. Finally she said, “The hard thing for Jelca was being so close to normal. You understand? If he put on a wig, he was there. Not for long, maybe four hours before the lesions started bleeding, but for those four hours, he had it. He could walk down any street without stares. He could go on dates with real people. Yes, his scalp took weeks to heal, but if he wanted those four hours, he could have them. He could get clear. And that made him a little crazy—like he wasn’t in the same boat as the rest of us. He never said it in so many words, but I was his partner; I could tell. Jelca never identified himself as an Explorer. I think sometimes he wanted to. Maybe if things had gone differently between the pair of you…but that was all part of it anyway. He couldn’t bring himself to connect with another Explorer.
“I know that makes him sound arrogant,” Ullis added hurriedly, “but it wasn’t that way. Not at first. He just felt out of place. Miscategorized. And then, when he learned he’d be marooned on Melaquin—treated like an Explorer, and like a criminal—he felt unjustly betrayed. Like someone had personally spit on him. That’s why he had the nerve to steal the Sperm-field generator. I’ve never asked what he did to get it, but I think he hurt someone. You know what it’s like in Ship’s Engineering; there’s always someone around. They wouldn’t let Jelca walk off with important equipment like that. I don’t know for sure—maybe he took down some people with that souped-up stunner of his. But he was just so wounded that the council would treat him like any other Explorer…just as worthless, just as expendable….”
“Ullis,” I said, “didn’t you feel wounded and betrayed too?”
“Sure. But I am an Explorer—and Melaquin is where Explorers end up. In a weird way, I feel fulfilled. I did my job. I stayed true. And because of that, I am fiercely connected with every other member of the corps.”
I wanted to deny what she was saying; but I couldn’t. However furious I might be with the High Council, some part of my mind whispered it was fitting to get dumped into the disposal chute called Melaquin.
An Explorer’s life has only one proper ending: Oh Shit. And Melaquin was the Oh Shit you could walk away from.
Bad Times
“So,” Ullis continued, “when Jelca woke up on Melaquin…no, I shouldn’t pretend I can see inside his head. I just know it was bad. He came close to killing Kalovski—that was the admiral we were escorting. I had to talk Jelca into going away for a few days, until he cooled off. In the meantime, I dealt with Kalovski…which means I watched him die. That was pretty awful.”
“Yes,” I murmured.
She waited for me to say more, but I didn’t.
“Anyway,” she went on, “by the time I rendezvoused with Jelca, he’d already met Eel and Oar. You can imagine how I worried about that—not that I cared how he ran his love life, but two women, with minds like children…” She shook her head. “And back then, they couldn’t even speak our language. I tried to talk some scruples into him, but he wouldn’t listen. He said he was exploring what the planet had to offer. Whenever I could get the women alone, I tried to find out how they felt about the whole business; frankly, I may have taught them more English than Jelca did. But it was obvious they were infatuated with him.