Expendable - James Alan Gardner [17]
“Rank hath its privileges, Ramos! I’m not embarrassed and you are. You’re blushing something awful…one side of your face, anyway.”
I was too stunned to react, flabbergasted by what he’d said. While I was still trying to decide whether to be hurt or furious, the admiral gestured at a blue jacaranda painted on a nearby door. “What’s this tree?”
“A jacaranda,” I answered, still feeling numb.
“A jacaranda…that sounds familiar.”
“It’s the name of the ship.”
“I know it’s the name of the ship,” Chee snapped. “I was making a joke.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“What’s behind this door?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Why don’t you know?”
“I’m an Explorer, sir. We don’t get to see much of the ship.”
He snorted. “Can’t be much of an Explorer if you’ve been here six years and haven’t explored the ship.”
Once again, I was taken aback: how did he know how long I had been on the Jacaranda? But he was already off on another tangent.
“Have you ever discovered where the galley is, Explorer?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Let’s go then; I want a snack. Mushrooms in hot chocolate…have you ever had that? Slice them, fry them, and float them on top. They look like fungus umbrellas in mud. You’ll love it.”
“I don’t think we should go to the galley, sir.”
“Why not?”
For some reason, it felt good to say no to an admiral, especially this admiral. “Your presence here is supposed to be a secret, sir. High Council’s orders. If you go to the galley, you’ll likely be seen by crew members—the night shift drop by the galley frequently.”
“Oh, take out the pickle, Ramos!” he thundered. “Five minutes ago you’re ready to mutiny, and now I can’t have a snack because it’s against orders? Be consistent, Explorer! That’s the first rule of command: be consistent! You can be sadistic, you can be lazy, you can be stupid, but if you’re consistent, the crew will still let you sit in when they play dominoes.”
“Admiral, about the mutiny—”
“Semi-stupid move, Ramos, but only semi-stupid. If you’d thought a little longer, you’d have guessed the Council would plan for contingencies. On the other hand, you still should have shot that prick Harque. He’s your subordinate; at this point, he’s a freebie.”
Chee winked broadly, then laughed when I looked bewildered. “Don’t know how to take me, do you?” he grinned. “I’m not as senile as you might think. ‘I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.’ Who said that?”
“Hamlet?”
“Damned right, and aren’t you glad I pressured the other admirals into requiring a Shakespeare course at the Academy?” He gave me a look, and this time I could see a glimmer of shrewdness hiding under the wild-eyed act. “The fact is, Explorer, I am not senile. My mind may wander from time to time, but mostly I am suffering from Don’t-give-a-shit-itis. The High Council, bless ’em, think it might be contagious, so here I am. I presume you have some idea of how they use Melaquin?”
“Yes.”
“Well, your idea is likely wrong, but who cares? Have you thought about the Landing?”
“We haven’t had much time,” I told him. “Or information.”
“You won’t get it either. Melaquin’s ten hours away, and we’ve been ordered to Land within two hours of making orbit. I say we go to the galley, talk things out for the length of time it takes to drink a cup of hot chocolate, then get some sleep.”
“It really would be better to stay out of the galley, sir. The orders—”
“Fuck the orders,” Chee interrupted. “I’m in the mood for pointless gestures of defiance. We will occupy the galley. We will sing dirty songs to draw attention to ourselves. We will accost crew members in the corridors and tell them our life stories. We will write CHEE WAS HERE in soy sauce on the servery wall, and carve our names in the tabletops, using a knife whose blade does not exceed twenty centimeters in length.”
“Admiral….”
“Yes?”
“Could we do all those things wearing pants?”
He heaved a mighty sigh. “Lighten up, Ramos. The best revenge is making them