Faith - Lesley Pearse [212]
Laura shrugged. It was nice of him to credit her with improving his prospects, but she didn’t believe it was down to her.
∗
Laura told Meggie about Jackie’s will while they were sitting waiting at the airport for their flight to be called. Not surprisingly she was overwhelmed at such generosity from a stranger, and she shed a few emotional tears.
‘What on earth will Ivy and I do with a guest house?’ she asked, wiping her eyes. ‘We wouldn’t have a clue how to run one.’
‘You don’t have to,’ Laura said. ‘You could just sell it and share the money, or get it converted into flats or something. People who work in St Andrews at the university are always after places in Crail.’
‘Are you going to live at Brodie Farm?’ Meggie asked.
‘I couldn’t bear to after what happened there,’ Laura said sadly. ‘I always loved the place, and Jackie knew that, and I’d like to be close to Barney too, but well, I’m sure you know.’
‘Jackie must have cared an awful lot for you to give it to you, and to want us to have the other place so we could all be close,’ Meggie said thoughtfully. ‘But it does feel just a bit like she wanted to control us.’
‘Just a bit,’ Laura agreed. ‘She did like to do that, and I suppose I always let her. I’m going to miss her so much now I’m out of prison. She played such a huge part in my whole adult life. I can’t imagine not being able to tell her about a new job, clothes I’ve bought or where I’m living.’
‘You’ve got me and Ivy for that now,’ Meggie said, slipping her arm through her sister’s and cuddling up against her shoulder. ‘And I’ll be tucking you into bed in my spare room, making you breakfast, and asking you what you want to watch on telly. That is, until Stuart comes down to London and takes over.’
Laura sniggered. ‘You are seeing things that aren’t there, Meggie. He didn’t even hug or kiss me today.’
‘His chest hurts, and anyway, he didn’t get any encouragement from you. You were like an icicle.’
‘I wasn’t!’
‘You were. You sat on the other side of the room. Even when I went into the kitchen to heat up the lasagne, you didn’t move to sit beside him.’
Their flight was called, interrupting the conversation, but once they were on board and waiting for takeoff, Meggie began again.
‘He still loves you, Laura. Don’t let him slip away again.’
‘It’s kinder that I do.’ Laura closed her eyes, for she was suddenly very tired. ‘Like I said earlier today, I’m all used up.’
That was exactly how she felt, all used up, like an empty perfume bottle that still looked attractive on the dressing table, retained a little of its fragrance but was no use to anyone.
When she thought back to the twelve years from Barney’s death to when she was arrested she could see now that she’d been like an empty shell. She looked good, she worked hard, and everyone saw her as a successful woman who had exactly the kind of life she wanted. There were men in her life, she went out to dinner and parties, and sometimes even spent weekends walking in the Trossachs. A few of the men she liked enough to go to bed with, but she never felt that vital spark which might have led to love. She remembered Alan, a sweet man who was a vet, asking in rather puzzled tones what it was she wanted, and she answered, ‘Nothing’. He said that was what he suspected, and if she wanted nothing, that’s what she would get. He likened her to a very high wall, and he said he had the distinct feeling that even if he managed to climb to the top of it, he’d find nothing on the other side.
He was right of course. She might have recovered from the shock of losing Barney, she no longer cried and spent long nights beating herself up about what she had been in those days. But the hole Barney left in her life remained there; work, going out, a nice flat and good clothes didn’t fill it. She was empty inside, just like the perfume bottle. Alan moved on, other men came and went too. She wasn’t hurt by it, mostly she was glad to be alone – that way she