Fat Years - Chan Koonchung [22]
Written on the scrap of paper was the yahoo.com e-mail address feichengwuraook. Next to it were the words “If you’re not sincere, don’t bother, okay?”
2.
NEVER FORGET
Little Xi’s autobiography
I am Wei Xihong. Everyone calls me Little Xi.
I don’t know where to start; I don’t know how the world has become what it is. I’m just afraid that many things may be forgotten later, so I want to write them all down and store them in this Google file.
Somebody is following me. But I haven’t done anything wrong. So why are they on my tail?
Maybe I’m just too nervous. Maybe there is nobody following me at all, and I’m just overly suspicious.
If somebody is following me, it’s bound to have something to do with Wei Guo. How did I ever give birth to such a monster?
Ever since he was born, he has frightened me. He had a face like a little angel, but he lied, ingratiated himself with his teachers, ingratiated himself with anyone who could do him any good, and bullied anyone weaker than he was. His character was just naturally cruel. Okay, so he was like that from childhood. Now he writes letters informing on his classmates, getting them into trouble with the authorities, and persecuting them. He is always spouting empty slogans, pretending to embrace a wonderful idealistic morality.
Does he have his father’s genes, or my genes, or has he inherited his character from my father? Or is he just the result of the worst possible combination of bloodlines?
He blames me for not telling him who his father is, and I can understand that. He actually curses my friends using the Cultural Revolution term “monsters and demons”! He says they are dubious characters who could have a bad influence on his future. He laughs at me for resigning my position as a judge and says that I’m too stupid to be his mother.
If that 1983 crackdown on “spiritual pollution” and crime had not made me understand clearly that I was not suited to be a judge, I would still be part of the Public Security system today. I think I’m constitutionally unable to adapt to this political system. I studied law only to please my father.
My father can probably be considered one of the first judges in the New China. In the 1950s, he participated in the drafting of the new Constitution. I remember when I was a child and my father came home, Mother would tell us not to make any noise. We were all afraid of my father. He never once gave me a hug. My mother was probably more afraid of him than anyone else. I remember my mother never smiled if he was around. After he died, she became another person. She was reborn, and even her voice seemed louder. My mother didn’t say much about the things my father did, but no doubt he must have persecuted and ruined quite a few people.
My father himself was persecuted and put in prison during the Cultural Revolution. He was released only when he became ill. In 1979, after the college entrance examinations had been reinstated, I graduated from Number 101 Secondary School. Fully aware of my father’s wishes, I listed the Peking College of Political Science and Law as my first university choice. I wanted nothing more than to become a judge after graduation. I thought that, like my father, I was a prime candidate for being a judge in our republic.
My mother had told me in private that my personality was not suited to studying law. She told me to study science and engineering, and keep out of trouble. At the time I didn’t agree and felt furious with her. I wanted only to make my father happy and figured that my mother was a housewife with no practical experience or understanding. People are so strange. When people treat us badly, we do what they want us to do; when people treat us well, we pay no attention to them at all.
During the trial of the Gang of Four, I watched the televised proceedings with my father. Father’s temper had grown even worse after the Cultural Revolution; he was very hard to get on with and he often swore at us. He didn’t achieve the success